Expert: Mistress Violette - 9/23/2009

Question
First of all, I want to apologize for my English. It's not my native language. but I'll do my best:).

I'm a sub and have been very interested in BDSM for a couple of years now, but I don't have any experience. A few months ago I told my bf that I'm into BDSM, and he reacted pretty good. but we still haven't done anything in that direction.
The problem is that he likes it when I'm in control. is it possible for us both to get what we want?

Thank you for your advice.

Answer
Hello, Janneke,

Your English is lovely so there are no worries on that score. Also, it may not be a problem for you and your boyfriend to get what you want, if you're both willing to be flexible.

There are sub/sub (and dom/dom) couples who switch roles in order to satisfy each other. Even a person who isn't dominant by nature can enjoy being in control under some circumstances. In relationships of this sort, the individuals are often dominant only with their partners. In some communities, these folks refer to themselves as "tops" to distinguish themselves from dominants and switches, who are people who sometimes want to submit and sometimes prefer to be dominant. You'll probably want to try this option first. Spend some time talking about your wants, limits and how you'll monitor and communicate during the scene. Decide how much control the person being dominant is willing, and able, to assume. Then start slowly, getting and giving input as you work out what's right for you.

Another option is to go outside the relationship. You might want to find separate dominants or find someone who will accept you as a couple. Before doing this, be sure you're both comfortable wit it and be very clear with each other about the limits on your relationship with the dominant. For instance, some relationships of this type don't include any sexual activity with the dominant while some allow certain amounts. Always respect whatever limits you set and be sure that any dominants you select respect them, too.

The key with either of these options is that you both are on board with the plan and understand each others' expectations. Whichever you select, there's going to be some work involved but it could be very worthwhile in the long run.

Good luck and have fun!

Mistress Violette