Expert: Mistress Violette - 9/3/2009

Question
Dear Mistress Violette,

I desperately need some help and would really value your advice. I have no knowledge of BDSM at all, or Dominant submissive relationships. I am not a person that judges anyone either, and each to their own, but i have never had an interest in BDSM before. My question is mainly a sexual one, but has relationship aspects too.

Im getting married, and my fiance and i are very close and very in love. Everything is really great, he is a wonderful man. My fiance has always been open with me about his desires and we have a great sex life so no problems there. He loves trying new things. But lately he has been asking me to do things for him that is very different. Things that he says he really enjoys. He likes me being aggressive in bed, slapping him, spitting on his face and making him lick my feet, insulting him. He said he enjoys being humiliated, it turns him on. He likes me ordering him to pleasure me, ignoring his desires, and to call me "boss". Sometimes when i playfully bite him, and leave a mark, he tells me that when he is in work, he loves touching the areas i hurt him. He told me he felt uncomfortable telling me all this and was scared i would find him a weirdo, but feels so much better now that he could let it out.

Even outside the bedroom, he loves me making him do things like wash my underwear, he finds it erotic. This is all very recent. I can tell he probably always had this in him, but to be honest i dont know how to react to it all. What does it all mean and where is it coming from? I found it all so different, but was happy to do anything to give him pleasure. Doing it never made me uncomfortable in anyway. But lately i am starting to wonder if these are signs of something, instead of a phase. Could he be a submissive and does he want to be treated that way? Is he looking to be dominated?   If so, can i find it in me to be dominant? What if i cannot get into that, will he be unfulfilled? This is a big fear of mine, i dont want to enter a marriage that will end up lacking in any way. At the same time i love him very much and will do anything for him. As you can see im scared, my wedding is next month and your advice on this would be a great help to me.

Kind Regards,
Lily

Answer
Hello, Lily,

Because BDSM isn't well understood, sometimes even by people who think they practice it, there's a lot of misunderstanding about what being submissive or dominant really is. A submissive is someone whose desire is to be controlled. This is different from being turned on by being ordered to do things he wants to do. A submissive doesn't care if he is pleasing his dominant by drawing her bath or by cleaning the garage, as long as that's what she wants him to do. His happiness is being controlled, whether he likes how that plays out or not. While a submissive may ask for certain activities, he understands the answer may be "no" and he's fine with that. He doesn't expect his dominant to give him pleasure. His pleasure comes from pleasing her with his obedience.

There are non BDSM people who enjoy BDSM relayed activities, such as bondage, discipline, humiliation and so on. For them, the turn on is the activity. It's no different than being turned on by, say, pretending to be a doctor and a patient or a prostitute and a sailor. It's fun, satisfying fantasy play but the person is no more a submissive than he is a sailor. It's estimated that only 10 to 20% of the population is BDSM so the odds are your boyfriend wants spice in his sex life rather than submission. If you ask him, he'll probably say he wants to submit to you but that means he wants you to do certain things he likes, not that he wants to give you the power to make decisions for him. Now that you know the difference, you can talk with him about this in a way that can clear up the confusion.

Ask him if he want he wants is this particular type of play or for you to have total control of him in some areas of his life. If his interest is in the physical aspects, you'll handle it the way you would any request for variations in your sex life. You'll negotiate to find things that are exciting and fulfilling for you both. If he really does want control, you'll need to find out what that looks like for him, then decide if you'd get enjoyment from doing it. A dominant doesn't comply with her submissive's wishes, although she may take them into consideration if they're things she also likes. A dominant gets pleasure from doing what she wants to do, because she can. She likes the control as much, or more so, than the activities.

If it turns out he wants the control, now is the time to talk about that. You'll need to decide how much control you're comfortable taking and he'll need to decide if that will be enough for him. BDSM is a want, not a need. There are BDSM people who live happy, well adjusted lives without BDSM or without the type and amount they want. What it comes down to for each individual is what's more important, the BDSM or the relationship. It sounds like your relationship is solid, Lily, so it would be a matter of incorporating into it a degree of control that's acceptable to you both. My guess, though, is that your boyfriend is interested in sexual fulfillment that's a little out of the mainstream but is basically good, healthy fun. Since you seem to be ok with this this and able to have fun yourself, it's probably not going to be a problem. Best wishes for a lovely wedding and happy marriage!

Mistress Violette