Expert: Robert Rubel - 9/3/2009

Question
I am a college student living at home with my parents. I just "left" my master, who I was feeling abandoned with anyway. I mean, this sounds stupid, but I was in love with him or something, and it hurts to think about him, but i've only met him once in person, and i'm very new to sex and bdsm. I'm not sure if I should talk to a guy about this. I've done eveyrthing not to think about this...he was asking me to do things I would never do, and he would do it over the phone or on the internet. He wanted me to be exposed in public, and just to be clear, I was his SLAVE, not sub. I was his little girl. He also asked me to keep the relationship a secret, but i told people because i couldn't contain myself, it was killing me to keep it a secret. i don't know. I am just really sad about him. I've been told by a Kink.com producer that it was unacceptable of him to leave me alone for so long. No matter what people said, i ignored them, but there was always this nagging feeling of something not so right. Now I still have that feeling. I don't know what's wrong with me. He hasn't called or emailed since, and I'm not sure if I want him to....i feel like dying...

Answer
Hi,

We'll, you've got a guy -- I'm 64 and heavily involved with BDSM and such.  Author of four books on Master/slave relationships.

Kink.com is correct, and I'll add to it.

1) I strongly suspect that the person you're dealing with is what's called an "Internet Dom."  He is not part of the real-life community.  Thus, he doesn't really know how to treat a real person.  If he does have real-life experience, then I would guess that he's about as new to it as you are.

2) There are three word-pairings that might be useful to you.  Top/bottom, Dominant/submissive, and Master/slave.  The Top/bottom pair has no psychological aspect to it; it's just a matter of who's holding the flogger (etc) and who's being flogged.  D/s is about power exchange and is usually scene-specific.  M/s is about authority exchange.  The slave gives over authority for him/herself to a seasoned and wise Master to serve as his/her life-guide.  One usually has 3-5 years of experience before even thinking about this level of commitment.  You might as well be married.

3) In this lifestyle, we play by the "SSC" rules: everything has to be safe, sane, and consensual.  Asking/ordering you to do anything that is not quite sane, such as being exposed in public, violates this rule and is another key indicator that he is clueless, sorry.

4) If you would like to explore or enter this lifestyle, you should find your local BDSM club and join up.  Just do an Internet search with "BDSM" and the name of your city to start your search.  PLEASE do not commit yourself to anyone for the first year.  You need to understand the dynamics of BDSM before you submit/surrender to a Dom.  

5) Combining sex with BDSM is like stepping off a cliff into thin air.  You're not likely to go back to the world of "Vanillas," people who just do mainstream sex.  BDSM is too powerful and too much fun to settle back into regular sex.  That's one reason that if you go to a BDSM weekend conference (where I am right now), most folks are over 30.  Most are 40+.  They've already learned how to maneuver in the world and know quite a bit about relationships before they take this step.

6) There are serious creeps out there who prey on newcomers to BDSM.  Look up and learn about "safe calls," and NEVER go out with a new person without following safe call rules.  Many in our community like to meet in an IHOP because there are video cameras all over the place and they'll have a record of who you're with.  No, I'm not being dramatic.  Some kink clubs do a good job screening these guys out, but some clubs admit anyone.

7) One of the contributing reasons that you're so emotionally attached to this guy is precisely because BDSM and sex are such a powerful combination.  I urge you to start reading books about this field.  Some suggestions: Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns.  Do an Amazon search for BDSM.  

I wish you the very best; I understand your heartache right now.  I'd really like you to run out to a big bookstore this weekend and see what you can find.

Feel free to ask add-on questions.

In Leather Heart and Soul,

Bob