Expert: Mistress Violette - 9/30/2009

Question
but i would like to cross reference advice and information, and having more than one opinion is something i need.

here's my deal:

I'm utterly absolutely fresh to the scene- and all i can think to say is "I'm sorry". I'm..lost.. and need help. I tried to google my own understanding and miserably failed. i feel really helpless on knowledge, please tell me everything you think i should know, please help me begin. It sucks being in between worlds, and it sucks even more to just wander around trying to find a place. It hurts so much to look at people and see nothing deep enough to connect with. Their hurt is not like mine. it's too lonely to be in their world and yet as i sit here and type this to you i feel even more outcasted because i fear i have no place here. Please tell me what you can, i have nowhere else to go.

Answer
Hello, Sky,

Please don't think you have to apologize for needing help. Lots of people find this kind of discovery confusing. There's so much to know but the information isn't always easy to find. So, you're not alone and you have nothing about which you need to feel sorry. One caution, please enter the world of BDSM because you're attracted to the ideas and practices rather than because you feel uncomfortable elsewhere. If you're here because this is something you want to do, you have a place, it just may take time to find it.

You probably don't realize this but everything I think you should know is a tall order. I'm not able to fill it and it's not up to me, really. There's no one right way to do BDSM so I can't give you a list or a manual. The thing for you to do is read the ideas of many different people, incorporating those that resonate with you into your own thinking. Along the way you'll likely meet people who will tell you they know how BDSM is supposed to be. Listen, if you'd like, but don't accept a concept because someone tells you you must, accept it because it works for you. There are some links and books I like to recommend and I'll add them at the end of this message. Looking at some of them should tell you if BDSM is right for you. If it is, those resources should lead you to others.

I wouldn't be doing you any favors if I didn't mention this. A favorite motto in BDSM is "safe, sane and consenual." BDSM doesn't make people emotionally healthy; people need to be that way before getting into BDSM. It's true that BDSM people sometimes have trouble establishing vanilla relationships but mostly they can connect with people. It's not unusual to feel hurt or alienated and there's a chance there's something other than lack of BDSM going on. If so, you'd be wise to get some help to deal with that before getting actively involved in the BDSM community.

You've taken a good first step, Sky. I wish you the best as you continue your journey.

Mistress Violette

Links:
Although I don't agree with everything here, I haven't found a better and more comprehensive site than this one, so start with:
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html

For additional information and different perspectives:
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://www.domsubfriends.com/library/artofsm.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/

Books
I highly recommend this one to start - Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. It explains both the relationship aspects of BDSM as well as the technical ones.

You could probably get by with just reading that one but, if you find you're serious about BDSM, consider the following books:
Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame and Gloria Brame
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction  by Jay Wiseman
Ties That Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style: Issues, Commentaries and Advice by Guy Baldwin and Joseph W. Bean
SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude--Principles, Skills and Tools  by Guy Baldwin