Expert: Mistress Violette - 9/7/2009

Question
I have very strict, conservative parents, my Dad's a southern baptist preacher, and my mom teaches at a christian school. I noticed a while ago, that while watching a normal sex scene in a movie, I was... bored. I'm 16, and I'm pretty sure that's not the usual response to such scenes. I also noticed that while watching a scene with barking orders, firm demands, exc. that I was instantly aroused.
I just "came out" so to speak to my mother as a masochist, and a submissive. I've been doing some research on my own about the BDSM community, but it's difficult to gain knowledge without discrimination or experience.
I'm a virgin, and I intend to stay that way until marriage. I feel lost in the BDSM community, both because of my age, and by my lack of prior experience.
I just want to learn more about the sub/dom lifestyle, and figure out where I stand in the BDSM community.
thanks so much,
~Rachel


Answer
Hello, Rachel,

Your responses may not mean what you think they do. Some people enjoy sex scenes in movies, others, especially women, think they're boring. Not finding those scenes exciting says more about the movie and the situation you were in while watching than it does your sexuality. I know people who aren't at all BDSM who find BDSM themed pictures and movies very arousing. I also know hard core BDSM people who don't. You're a smart girl with an intelligent person's curiosity. It's understandable that you want to explore something you've discovered and that attracts you. It's just that all these things you've mentioned aren't enough evidence to conclude that you're BDSM and especially not to conclude that you're a masochist. It's great that you're open minded and willing to entertain possibilities, so keep that up. Just don't put yourself in a box just yet. Having an interest in something is different than being something.

While the BDSM community is open to outreach, it's usually to people at least 18. If you're having trouble getting people to talk to you, that's probably why. Being involved in BDSM is sort of a learn to walk before you can run situation. Whether the involvement is at a relationship level or a casual play level, it still requires skills you haven't had time to master. There are more emotional intricacies than physical ones involved so it takes a good chunk of life experience to do happy and healthy BDSM. In fact, many people over 18 aren't ready to go down this path. You can't figure out where you stand in the BDSM right now because you don't have enough information, not about BDSM, but about yourself and about getting along in the world. You need to know where you are in life before you know where you are in BDSM and you're not at a point where you can define define that. That's natural and it's a process.

At this point, my suggestion is for you to focus on learning more about your sexuality in general, so you'll know what your own reactions mean and won't draw conclusions based on inconclusive evidence. The best place to do that is http://www.scarleteen.com/ Unlike BDSM venues, it's geared for younger people and covers a broad range of sexual issues. There you can ask questions and talk to others who understand what you're thinking and feeling. You'll probably even find other people with the same questions you have and some who'll have some answers. It won't speed up the process but it could make it easier.

Kudos to you for wanting to learn and for being willing to wait, Rachel. Build on that and wait to declare your sexual proclivities, too. Don't limit yourself at this stage. Explore vanilla, be aware of other options, have friendships and relationships, learn some of the ins and outs of interpersonal interactions. If you eventually do get into BDSM, you want it to be because you experienced a number of things and then chose it, not because you closed off all avenues prematurely.

Mistress Violette