Expert: Mistress Violette - 9/11/2009

Question
I have a Ph.D and have taught at the collegiate level, as well as served as a psych nurse for 19 years.  At the age of 56, I am only now accepting my need and identity as a sub.  I have an owner who has accepted me.  Already I have given myself totally over to her.  I adore and worship her.  What I don't understand is why do I have this need?  It is all encompassing.  I begged her to accept and own me.  What is in a sub that burns with that desire?

Answer
Hello, William,

You've asked a question that's on the minds of many people, yet doesn't have an answer. It's natural to wonder why you're submissive but it's like the answer to why you have musical talent or like animals - we just don't know. Many people in BDSM are curious about this, especially as they begin their exploration of BDSM. I think that happens because BDSM isn't very common and is, in fact, kind of mysterious simply because we aren't as open and accepting of it as we are variations on vanilla sex. After all, I suspect you've never questioned why you're heterosexual.

Coming from a psych background, you may have a niggling suspicion that something is wrong with you for enjoying BDSM. It's not. The mental health community's take on BDSM is the result of an unhappy cycle. BDSM isn't well understood, so it seems like an abnormality. Because it seems like an abnormality, some BDSM people are bothered by their interests and seek treatment. Because people are bothered, to the professionals who see them it seems like an abnormality. Most of what those professionals know about BDSM comes from people who labeled it as a problem. There's little to no data from the many people who are happy, well adjusted and practicing BDSM.

I can tell you that the more BDSM experience you gain, the less you'll wonder about this. It seems to be part of a sort of BDSM developmental process. At this stage it's natural to be curious, so don't worry if you feel inclined to do some navel gazing. Gaining some self knowledge can be very helpful. Don't get bogged down in wondering why you are the way you are, though. With time, you'll stop wondering and accept this as just another facet of who you are.

Good luck and have fun!

Mistress Violette