Expert: Oscar G. - 1/11/2010

Question
when  dealing with a submissive ???? my submissive tells me that she is comfortable  with with the level that we have agreed on & have reached... but when we do get the chance to get into the mood i find that she is wanting more ...so as her dom what am i to do she says that she wants it to soft but then pushes me to get rougher while in to it  i then do so olny to find out after words that i went to far but she never to this day has used the safe word that we have set up ?????????????? do u have any thought on what i should do thanks  for your time

Answer
Hi Sean:

The point here would be to figure out her HARD limits. Not so much figuring out how and what she likes, as much as what lines will be NOT be crossed. And within that fence play do what you want and need to her/with her according to your tastes and need and hers. However the pushing of the boundaries is sometimes needed and sought. It would basically entail to probe the limits, push them if you will, but not with the aim to break them. But flex and stretch one's capacities and resistance.

If you find out the previous limits are gone or even past, it is time to redraw those limits and see if perhaps her threshold has been reached and adjust accordingly. After all muscles do grow from use and need more resistance, and also muscles get accustomed to certain level of sensations and the threshold of pain (or sensations) gets higher since some level of immunity and acclimatizing occurs. Hence the body wants that high point reached previously, but now the body is stronger and accustomed to what it had previously. So the next time the bar gets raised slowly, but surely.

Your job is to figure out those limits and do what is right for her. Not what she tells you in the heat of passion. Specially if she then regrets it after the fact. Clear communication is needed  BOTH ways. SO either you stick to the limits agreed upon before hand, or new higher limits are discussed prior to play. You should learn the proper limits of what a human body should take depending on the activity you are trying. Each activities carries different risks and limits. Read upon them. Check the signs on her body and her reactions. Sometimes it is not the same what the body reads and what the person says. Body language is that. You got to read and comprehend that language to properly gauge her limits and extrapolate with what she tells you and what you know you have applied on her.

So as to summarize, be clear and concise about the limits. Explained both ways. IF the limits have changed, then they need to be expressed before play. During play, you make the call on intensity. You are the one in control and not influenced by endorphin an high and high rush of adrenaline that could cloud judgement. If she wants more it should be pushed, but by your understanding and observation of her body and reaction, more than by what she would tell you.

I hope this clears up your question and you are able to identify the issue to be corrected or fixed. Best regards.
Be well and be safe.
Oscar G.