Expert: Eirene Nayar - 1/22/2010

Question
Hi.

I have know this man for 10 years, while I was married to my current x.  It was platonic, but there was a serious attraction for the both of us.

We got together after my divorce.  I was very new to all of the sub/dom lifestyle, but accepted it, to be with him.  I love him very much.  He recently told me he loved me too.  
He doesn't keep in touch, only when it's about sex.  We don't go out, or have any kind of social activities.  He keeps talking about "his" fantasies.  I'm starting to wonder if he has chosen me, to help him find his fantasies..........I am an attractive female.  He has a fantasy to be with 2 women, never done.  I have.  I'm wondering if he is wanting to make me his, only to complete his fantasy.  He only calls late at night, never makes it to my home before 1am.  He does not text, email, or call throughout the day.  He only wants me late at night.  

Is this normal for a sub/dom relationship?  He wants to collar me, and I'm worried he is doing it to fulfill his fantasies.

Appreciate your advice.

me

Answer
Hi Mari,

No, this is not normal behavior in any kind of open honest relationship.  His secrecy is alarming to me.

You do not mention his current relationship status, but my impression is that he has one.  One in which he has no intention of making you a part of.  An honest trustworthy Dom would tell you upfront that he had other relationships that will take his time.  And if talk of collaring you came up,  he would make sure you were introduced prior to that happening to any other sub/slaves, wives that he had.

Do not! I repeat…do not accept a collar from this man.

BDSM is more than sex.  In fact sex is only a facet of it and not even part of every BDSM relationship.  So, the idea of his wanting you only for sexual service raises all kinds of red flags for me.  In my straight up opinion you are not in the sub/Dom lifestyle if it’s *all* about sex.  He is only using you for the sex.

He is unworthy of the gift of your submission.

Doms that have a genuine interest and affection for their subs tend to keep them on a “short leash”...so to speak.  Contact and communication is essential even and especially when they can not be together physically.

Your intuition already knows the truth.  Decline any further contact with this so called Dom.

Once you accept a collar your options change drastically.  You are for all intent and purposes...his to use or not use at his will and as he sees fit.  Within the true dynamics of D/s this is an exhilarating experience.  That is not what you have.

Please let me know how things go with you.  As submissives we have a tendency to do what pleases others to the detriment of ourselves.  Predatory Dom types will take advantage of that heart.

There are many worthy and wonderful Doms, but this man is not one of those.

I hope this has helped you.  My thoughts are with you.

Eirene