Expert: Oscar G. - 1/27/2010

Question
My partner says she is into being dominated. She has expressed this desire a number of times but never expands beyond brief comments about flogging and spanking. We have been together a 2 years and she has always been timid in bed. Although I have never explored BDSM I do enjoy being in control but never considered a D/s relationship or thought of myself as Dom.
Our problem is she hates restraint or pain (although she says she likes the idea of being flogged or spanked). She seems unable to explain what she dreams of and either resists or goes completely quite and unresponsive (which is a turn off for me).
I wonder if she is mistaking her inability to express/know her own sexual desires with letting someone else take responsibility for sex through BDSM? Or am I just not dominating her in the way she needs? I must confess I enjoy teasing and not allowing her to cum (but she dislikes this). But I feel a little awkward with flogging and spanking… especially as she doesn’t respond.
It has dented my confidence in myself and she avoids talking about it. Sex has become a bit difficult and it’s hard to put this issue back where it came from.
Help


Answer
Hi Dave:

It is a bit problematic when both partners cannot communicate their needs and both are newcomers.
Communication goes both way and she has to respond to you inquiries. IN your aspect of being the Dom is more about the aspect of being in charge and leading the scene, taking her she you want and she enjoys. In this case you may have to play detective a bit, however you should not normally do that, since it is reasonable to ask for her likes. But if she is not sure of  her likes, try to find out her limits. Limits would be the stuff that she would never, ever do and would stop playing if you went there.

But since she says she dislikes being restrained and pain, that narrows down the field to a few other options. Mostly sensory play, playing with her senses. Possibly blindfold and gag, but not tied. But also be aware even if she is not tied up she may want to be held. No pain? anything can be used  for strong sensations but it is just the level of it that makes it painful. If she is shy, but got to be creative on finding her fantasies. Make her write them, or try telling her what you would like and see her reactions.  Make her find some Internet BDSM porn that appeals to see and find out what she liked of it all. She does have to like some things. If she is not willing to tell you she has to be aware Doms are not mind readers, specially if newcomers such as yourself, and she has to consider that. You can keep on trying until you see something she enjoys, but would be so much easier if the communication was clearer.

There is an obvious disconnect between what she likes and what you like, but i believe there is a middle ground you gotta discuss. If she does not respond to what you do perhaps needs to be stronger, specially if she said she would like it. But that is why safe words are used. And  instead of RED there could be a yellow light for warning or a blue for cold. Green for go and red total stop. There has to be communication and has to flow both ways in one way or another.

I hope this helps. Be well, be safe and most importantly have fun.
Oscar G.