Expert: ziggy ziegler - 10/17/2010

Question
Hi Ziggy,
This is a bit of a long one, so bear with me.
I'm a 51 year old female, in a vanilla relationship of 14 years, married for 10. The last 4 years have been celibate but despite wanting to resolve this, it just hasn't happened; regardless, my husband and I still love and respect each other.
4 months ago, I became involved with a married man, 20 years my junior, whom I'd sort of known for a few years. Once we really started to talk, we both realised that we connected on many levels. Our relationship moved forward very quickly - BDSM was thrown into the mix almost from the start. This is something I'd never thought about, but he had been looking for a potential outlet all his adult life. It felt like the most natural thing in the world to me and I soon realised I was slave potential. Before we knew it, we were physically and emotionally involved with each other and have formed a very strong attachment.
Unfortunately, both our spouses found out about our relationship a few weeks ago. The instant reaction was to end our affair, but despite trying to do just that, we have been unable to do so - we love each other very much. We have both talked to our partners about the BDSM element and how much our M/s commitment means to us both. Whilst my husband has been amazing and is giving me the time I need to unpick the emergence of this side of my character, ultimately if our marriage is to survive, I will have to give up my master and turn my back on this lifestyle.
My masters wife however, has been unable to accept our emotional attachment and thinks the relationship is over already (it isn't#. In order to try to fulfill my masters need, his wife has looked into the lifestyle and is currently trying to act out the part of his slave. He tells me she just doesn't have it in her and it's a very limited attempt. The difficulty is, he loves me but can't leave his wife and daughter and admits to looking for an easy solution to his need - if his wife can provide what I have been giving him, then he can stay married, #he has left once before, but his slave at that time, turned out to be playing with him and ended their relationship soon after he left his wife). I have found it very upsetting to know that his wife is being put in this position. One of my questions to him early on was his feeling about having more than one slave - I knew he wasn't the master for me if there were to be any other slaves in his life - a wife I can cope with, but not another slave.
Just last night, we tried to walk away from each other again, but the trauma was unbearable and we just can't. Despite all the issues, we are just too bonded to each other to end it. My master knows he is living a lie in his marriage and is trying to come to terms with this.
I have several questions around the issues I'm trying to deal with at the moment:
Am I justified in feeling let down by my master trying to turn his wife into a diluted version of me?
I'm seriously considering leaving my marriage as my need to serve my master is so deeply ingrained, to stay with my husband is unfair as I'll never be fulfilled and therefore he'll never be happy either. But, how can I be sure this isn't a passing phase that has resulted from my attachment to my master rather than my discovering a very real part of me?
If my master and I should both be free to pursue our relationship, could our age difference be a barrier? I've never felt it could but appreciate that in the future, the differences will become more apparent.
I'm so confused about everything, particularly about where this need has come from. All I can say is that I've spent my whole life searching for an unknown something and have several failed long-term relationships as a result. On meeting my master, I almost instantly knew what it was I had been looking for, it just felt so right for both of us.

Answer
Dear Lizzy

Thank you for the questions. Please know that I will offer my opinion based on my own experience as a slave. My opinions are fully mine and I don’t expect others to take what I say as gospel but perhaps food for thought.

First, let me say that one of the attractions to this community/lifestyle is the level of honesty required to surrender to and dominant other. I also believe that a great deal of courage is needed to follow a path that few in our culture understand or accept. I am aware that in the traditional relationship of man and wife people are less comfortable with additional encounters outside the union therefore it often becomes necessary to make a choice. I believe that the choice one makes to stay in a relationship or not should be a matter of the following. Am I leaving for this person? Or am I leaving because it is in my heart to be A SLAVE. This choice to leave or stay in your current situation should be based on whether the life style of consensual slavery is something that will not allow you to remain in a vanilla marriage; it should never be based on one person’s interest in you. I know that may sound hard lined but the truth of it is the odds are greater that the person who is interested in you today may not be willing to leave something he is used to regardless of whether it is working for him now or not.

As for your feelings? Hun never doubt or disregard your feelings; they are honest and well founded. Never under value the sacrifice have you had to make as well. 14 years is a long time with someone and after the passion of a new relationship has settled and he has gone back to his wife, then what? I guess what I am trying to say gently is that this choice to leave your husband of 10 years must be based on your personal and independent desire to be a slave.  As for his wife? Well of course she is going to try anything to keep him and if he is willing to try it with her what does that mean for you. Will you be the slave on the side and will she constantly be pulling at him leaving less and less time for you. Or will you both be up front with her and say that the two of you will share him. To me consensuality is for ALL partners involved. Just that idea alone could send things into a tail spin; if you know what I mean? I am not so sure if you shouldn’t be hurt but if you can see past that hurt perhaps it is information. One thing that I have learned is that one way to predict how someone will ultimately treat me is how they treat others.

I once was involved with a dominant that had a partner who was also in the lifestyle everything was going well. The Dominant would show up per our scheduled time together (the partner knew about me) over time the dom was showing up later and later till one day not at all. When I asked what was going on, she told me her partner was having an issue. Another time they had gotten into an argument right before she was to come over. I had to ask for release and although it was hard it was for the best. I went on to find a more available Mistress and we now have been together over 10 years.  I guess its true timing is everything.

Perhaps one thing to consider is why him…. Why do you feel your need to serve him is so engrained in you? Could it be you have discovered something for yourself and you are doing it with a willing partner that makes this so alluring? What would happen if you started seeing the community that is out there? Perhaps meeting other masters and slaves, do you thing that would make a difference? Do you think it would help you see that there is a whole world out there yet to be explored? Groups/ events and organizations; perhaps even one near you. (assuming you are not already involved smiles)  

I know this is a hard time and that there is a lot to consider. I would really like to encourage you to think about what liz needs in all of this. Consider what you life’s path is as an individual. I also feel that age does play a part in relationships and longevity as well as perspectives and life goals. Do I think it plays a part in compatibility in the long run? Yes I do. More importantly it is your core values that depict how well you will do together.

I completely understand having one of those moments when it all becomes clear. Things begin to fall into place… I have been been in BDSM scene the early 80s and I distinctly remember the moment that I realized that what I wanted was to be a slave to a worthy Master/mistress and that under the right conditions with them I could finally be who I was meant to be.

In closing, I wish you the very best. I know these are not easy questions to answer and there is a lot to consider. Please consider what you need separate for others who are in your life; that way when you make your choice it is devoid of what others need from you and the pressures that come from them wanting you to do what is best for them.

Warmest regards
Slave ziggy
House of Talonstar