Expert: ziggy ziegler - 10/14/2010

Question
i am just entering into a 24/7 D/s relationship with my boyfriend. We are both new to the whole thing, though it is something we have both wanted for quite some time. i am wanting to know if there is anything i can do to serve Him better than what is already spelled out between us. He has given me the leeway of trying new things and will tell me if He doesn't like it or not. i want to please Him more than anything in this world and love doing what i do now, however it feels like i should be doing more. Is there anyway that you might be able to give me some ideas in this area? Or maybe point me in the direction where i may be able to learn more? And also was wondering if there was a way of punishing myself when i know i did/didn't do something that i am accountable for? Thank you very much.

Answer
Dear Samantha

Thank you for the question. Congratulations!I know that starting out can be a mixture of nervousness and excitement.

The first thing is to take a deep breath, things will come as they will. smiles.

I get some form of this question quite often. It usually the submissive/slave. One thing i think is important is for both people to seek out more knowledge. A lot of times its the sub that wants to know how they can serve better. I think that is a wonderful mindset to be in. I also know that it takes time to develop personal service. In the mean time, what i have done in the past was to take a look at two things; What he does during the day. We are creatures of habit so as he moves through the day look at what he does and see how you might anticipate what he needs so that you can be prepare to service him. This is referred to as anticipatory service. The other thing to consider is what does he like to do or what does he like. For example. My owner likes tea and so i took initiative and went to a tea house and learned how to do a Japanese tea ceremony. She enjoys wine so i went to a class on pairing wine with food. This is not something she asked me to do but it was something i could do and share with her. I am not implying that you do that specifically but just as an idea.

I think sometimes submissives forget that all of ones knowledge does not all have to come from one source and some times we have to get creative. I thought it would be nice to attend a work shop on erotic massage... Mistress LOVED that....for obvious reasons lol.

The nice thing is that you both can share in the learning. I believe it is just as important for the dominant to learn him or herself. I also recommend that both parties look for a group or events in your area. Interacting with other D/s couples can be a big help in both of your learning. It is also very affirming and as you pass through rough times they can be there to support you both. Even as long as i have been a slave i often watch and listen and sometimes pick up new ideas from others.

Ok lets address the punishment aspect.

Please remember this is a learning process. I think it is not really necessary to punish yourself. If you wish for accountability one thing you might do is confess that to  your dominant and ask for his help in correcting whatever you wish to change. I always believe that when your heart is in the right place and your intent is to do better then punishing yourself becomes unnecessary and in fact may do more harm than good. I like this idea of positive self talk. " Boy did i mess that up today but now i know what i need to do to do better and i am committed to learning and growing." Any thing you can do to improve will be a huge help.

Don't forget the process of becoming one's submissive should be a partnership effort. As you learn and grow so will he. I believe the rewards out weigh any difficulties you both may encounter if the intent is be D/s in a way that inspires and supports a healthy happy and fulfilling relationship.

Best of luck to you both
warmest regards
slave ziggy