Expert: ziggy ziegler - 11/9/2010

Question
I am an inexperienced sub in an online relationship with an experienced Dom who is 15 years older than me. he has laid down 2 rules for me and these are what he considers "IMPORTANT" rules and at the very beginning of the relationship, he said they are very important and even if I break other rules, its ok, but these two rules, he does not want broken. Well, I ended up  breaking one of this rule and well, there is no way that he would have known that I had broken that rule. But as he told me that the basis of this relationship is honesty, I confessed to him on my own about what I did. He was not pleased and I was punished for that. What I want to ask is that why did he punish me even though I was honest with him and well, he would not have known about it in the first place if I had kept it a secret. He could have atleast lessened my punishment instead of it being so severe. Well, ever since that first punishment, I cant help but feel a sense of dread when I am with him. I really enjoy talking with him and all that but at the same time, I cant help but feel so scared. He does not like me to be scared and guarded and says that he wants me to be myself. How should I oercome this fear?  

Answer
Dear Mik

I am sorry to hear you are having difficulties.

Of course my comments are based on my own personal perspective and experience.

Over coming fear in relationships is, in my perspective, directly related to trust. In person trust is built on number of levels beginning with direct shared experiences. You get to see how they handle themselves in a variety of situations. I always watch for how they treat others. Is he respectful to the waitress or the cashier. How does he handle stressful situations. How is he with work, home life and who ever else is in his life. Most of this is all visual. Information we take in while being together. I am not in any way questioning the validity of your relationship with your Sir... i am simply saying that fear and trust are closely related.

Sometimes its easier to look at things like punishment as the culprit of your fear. I would imagine that you were prepared to accept punishment for breaking one of the two very important rules. Could your fear really be a mistrust? If you hope to reduce your fears you must find new ways to trust your owner.  I know its not an easy path to be in a long distance relationship and i wish you the best of luck finding ways to trust him so that you my reduce your fears and the relationship can feel good to both of you again.

best wishes to you both
warmest regards
slave ziggy