Expert: Robert Rubel - 11/1/2010

Question
Hi. During the last 18 months I have had two Doms. The first I was with for a year and collared after 6 months. Long story short, but he was married and I didn't know until it was too late. He was angry that I wouldn't come back to him when he asked... so he told my parents of my lifestyle choice (I'm 41 but close to my family and it was embarrassing nonetheless) and called my boss. He has since stalked and harassed me.

I was fixed up with the second Dom by a friend from a local munch. He is an amazing person but has a lot of things to work out in his own life. I got the speech how I was perfect and any guy would love to have me. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that I would be a very rich woman.

I am just wondering what are the best ways to find someone? I go to local munches. I work in NYC and there is a lot going on there... but I am very shy so it's tough to get started and meet others alone.

I have figured out a lot of things out about myself. I am so much more happier in this lifestyle than in vanilla. Personally, I have quit smoking and started back exercising... I credit those I have met recently that have been such a positive influence on me for that.

I am going to a play party this weekend and I was told that mostly the guys who initiate play are those already in a relationship (open or poly). The single guys either don't come or stay to the side. I was told by a Dom on Fetlife that Collarme was definitely not the way to go.  What else is there? How do single women meet the decent Doms... the ones that don't write "bow to me" and "prove that you are worthy" in my in-box?

Any help would be very much appreciated.  
Thanks.
carolyn

Answer
carolyn, thanks for writing...

First, I suspect that the NYPD would be very interested in someone stalking you.  Horrible experience; I'm sorry you had to go through it.

Tough question.

In my book, "Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice" I have a number of pages discussing warning flags about Doms/Masters and submissives/slaves.  For starters, that would help you to identify warning signs through research as much as through early negotiations -- and it would give you questions to ask the man.

Next, my general comment is to dress/act like the kind of man you would like to attract and put yourself where those men are likely to be found.  

For example, as you have TES in your back yard, how about finding a senior submissive who would be willing to mentor you (it is VERY likely that there is a submissives' support group as there is here in Austin).  You an join that.

Similarly, you can start attending TES meetings and volunteer for activities that interest you.  That way, you'll begin to get a feel for the guys out there who might interest you.

You might possibly be able to use CollarMe, but you really need to be on Fetlife.com -- it's free and it's the "Facebook" for kinksters.  HUGE membership world-wide.  If you join, feel free to link to me: Dr_Bob

I no longer attend our Austin play parties, but I will say that when I was new I was one of the guys that sat quietly trying to figure out what was going on.  So -- when you see a guy you might like sitting on the sidelines, how about going up (yes, I realize that you consider yourself shy; how about considering yourself an adventuresome flirt?) and asking him a bit about himself and why he's sitting on the sidelines.

In this world you get to completely reinvent yourself.  You can reinvent yourself as a slut, as a librarian who's hot in bed, etc.  As nobody knows you, you have no history to overcome.  Now, it's all acting.  In fact the "act as if" concept is very relevant here.  You may well be able to change aspects of yourself that you would like to change by acting as if you didn't have those aspects in this new life.  

A thought, anyway.

It can be a challenge to get included in an existing family. Unless the couple has a background of playing with a third -- and including that person in their lives -- the woman is likely to see you as an outrageous threat.  You hear of that over and over.

Hope this helps, and feel free to send me a follow-on question either here or on Fetlife.

In Leather,

Bob