Expert: Robert Rubel - 11/14/2010

Question
I am new to the M/s lifestyle.  I have always been
interested, but never pursued it until I met someone on-line
a few months ago (it was on a regular social networking site
and it just sort of happened).  It's been very rocky because
I have outright refused to do things he has asked me to do
(ex: going outside during the day naked and pleasuring
myself, cutting myself), mostly out of fear of the
consequences (the neighbors seeing me, being arrested,
having my son taken away from me).   He likes to make me
feel guilty over this and often questions my commitment,
hoping that I'm "not just wasting his time". I have done
MANY things that I would NEVER do for anyone else. This is a
long distance relationship and we did meet for the first
time over Halloween.  This involved a 14 hour round trip for
me to bring him to my home and then another 14 to return him
to his.  Since he has gone home, he has barely spoken to me.  
When I let him know that it upsets me, he punished me for
"demanding" his time by not speaking to me for several days.  
I need a lot of attention and guidance, which he was willing
to give me at first. Now he calls me spoiled. He claims to
still want me.  Is this just a case of a mismatched pair or
am I asking too much of a Master?  He asked today if I
thought this was a 50/50 relationship.  I understand that
his needs are to be put before mine, but should it really be
ALL about him?  I need guidance because I find myself
terrified of doing or saying the wrong thing with him and I
am now losing sleep over it.

Answer
You are in a very dangerous situation with a person claiming to be a "master" who knows absolutely nothing about it.

In my opinion, you're in rather serious risk of psychological and possibly physical harm.

These behaviors come up with "Internet Masters" or "Internet Doms" who have no real-life experience.

I strongly, strongly urge you to immediately discontinue ANY communications with him and block his emails.

Next, I urge you to purchase my book: "Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice" on Amazon (Robert Rubel)

Second next: find your local BDSM club and join it immediately and hook up with a senior submissive in that group (an officer of the club, probably) and seek some guidance and mentoring about how in the world to enter our world.

Third next: join www.Fetlife.com (free) and cruise around the groups.  If you wish to link to me and "friend" me, you are welcome to do so: Dr_Bob

Let me give you some basic definitions.  If your local club doesn't understand these terms this way, it is because you're speaking with people who are doing "Master/slave" from a "Not-Leather" perspective.  I realize that sentence makes no sense: read the book, please.

+++++

Top/bottom is about the physical body.  A Top is holding the flogger, a bottom is receiving the action.  NO psychological dynamic.

Dominant/submissive is about the mental body.  The submissive takes orders from the Dominant -- this is usually a time-specific period, like a scene.  Next comes Master/slave.  This is AUTHORITY TRANSFER as opposed to POWER EXCHANGE you find in a D/s relationship.  The slave has transferred authority over his/herself in exchange for total protection -- financial, medical, social, psychological, etc.  As practiced by a substantial percentage of the "Leather" world, M/s is about the spiritual body.

This world -- the world of BDSM -- is a subculture.  As with all subcultures, there are codes of conduct, expectations, rules.

You can't simply drop into this world.  You'll be at risk -- as you currently are.

Feel free to write back with follow-on questions.

I'm 66 and I've owned a slave for seven years and been owned for eight and a half years.  I have a four-book series in print on various aspects of the M/s life.  PLEASE be careful.

Bob