Expert: Oscar G. - 2/25/2010

Question
I apologize if this question has been answered time and time again, but I am at a loss.  My husband and I are 35 and 36 in age.  I've always enjoyed rough foreplay and sex and my husband has enjoyed pleasuring me in this way.  I would love to explore something more definitive without alarming him at my request.  The idea of pain in more than the usual amounts is disturbingly exciting for me.  He notices change and thinks I am bored with him which is the opposite of what I'm feeling.  I've brought up BDSM in a jesting manner to see his reaction but any reaction is yet to be noted.  Rough sex is one thing, but bondage and punishment is something he hasn't really contemplated.  We've been together 20 years and I yearn for him to fully take me on in the D/s sense.  Is there no hope in a relationship this set?  Any help would be appreciated.

Answer
Dear Marti:

It is all a question of communication of expectations. And sharing of fantasies. Relationships Do change over time, but one has more control over them than one believes. The best thing is not to be so indirect and subtle, and be open and honest with the issue. But also since you are discovering the topics at hand, you have to research it a bit more so you can understand it and be able to explain it to anyone else if asked, and explain  in a way that is articulate, logical and suitable to your needs and wants.

Pain per se, can be misinterpreted as violence toward someone. But this is not the case and we into BDSM know. The sensations you seek can be better explained as needed INTENSITY, as cranking up the sensory input needed  to reach the next level. And it would be better explained if you explain it that it is because you love him, that you want him to help you achieve those new levels. And you in change, want him to reach his. Quid pro Quo perhaps, but it refers to attending to his needs. He may enjoy becoming more intense or dominant, depending on his personality, but you have to account for him attempting to please you since he loves you. That is why you have to be able to define what you need and want. And in exchange he should be able to explain his side and you provide for his fantasies and needs also. Hopefully there will be plenty  stuff you have a common ground to share. Or compromise at the very least.

Best advice? Read more into the themes of BDSM that interest you, share the info with him. Share fantasies, and the possibilities to make them real, but also ask him HIS fantasies into this realm. There should be at least a couple topics that stir his fire and curiosity for your sake and his own lusts. Who knows? he may surprise you, with his own twist on things. Just make sure you both are coming from mutual pleasure and love, not violence nor fear.

I hope this helps a bit. Be well ,be safe and have fun.
Oscar G.