Expert: Mistress Violette - 2/4/2010

Question
I have been in a great relationship for about 2 years. My boyfriend and I moved in together about 6 months ago and things are better than ever. Shortly after we first got together I confided in him that I have submissive fantasies and that I have explored some of them with previous partners. He was surprisingly understanding but said that he never really had any kinky desires. So, we've been more-or-less vanilla for 2 years. Now, all of a sudden a few weeks ago he started experimenting with some light/moderate bondage and domination. We talked and he says he'd like to learn more (we're going to a local meeting this week), which initially got me really excited! But, I can't help feeling like he's doing this just for me, or that if he really does want to try out some BDSM fantasies that I might be pushing him too far since I have more experience (though that's not a lot by any means). I feel so conflicted because I really want to be dominated but I don't want to push him (even subconsciously) to do anything that he wouldn't want to do himself. How can I help him figure out what he wants/feels before we accidentally go past his comfort zone? (I feel like this question usually comes from the Dom! lol) I want to help him figure out what he's feeling and what he wants as a Dom (or whether he even wants to be dominant at all)...but I don't even know where to start. Any ideas?

Answer
Hello, Elle,

Some folks in BDSM come to the practice of it later in life but it would be unusual for someone to suddenly develop the interest, especially if, as your boyfriend said, he'd never had any kinky desires before. It may be that he's given this some thought and has decided it would be sexually exciting or it may be that he wants to do this because you like it. If it's the latter, it could be genuine curiosity or it could be the desire to please you. There's nothing wrong with asking him about the reasons behind his interest. He's looking to you for some direction because of your experience and you need information from him in order to be helpful to him. Too, I doubt he intended to give you any cause for concern, so it's a good idea to ask for his sake as well as yours.

You could explain to him that information sharing and negotiation are part of BDSM. You've already talked a little but don't be hesitant to initiate more discussion. In fact, he'll probably appreciate knowing your thoughts. Now is the time for both of you to be candid about your concerns as well as your desires.

You're smart to be cautious about the possibility of pushing him beyond his comfort zone. If that happened, though, you'd both know it soon enough to take action. Still, it makes sense to avoid the possibility, if you can, and talking about it can help do that.

It may turn out that his interest is rooted in your interest. If he's ok with that, maybe you could be, too. I know many submissives don't like things to be done "for" them but sometimes they need to accept that receiving that kind of attention is another way of pleasing a dominant. So, sit down as partners and decide together how you want this to go and how to get there.

Good luck,

Mistress Violette