Expert: Mistress Violette - 2/2/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hello. I recently accident found out that my wife is involved in an online Master / Slave relationship. I have not had the guts to confront her about it directly yet. She has expressed a will to me to explore this area and I have said that she may but she has not admitted that she has a master.

What is bugging me I guess it jealously and thought of loosing her to him. He has raised the question that if I were not around would she miss me and I can see this is causing havoc in her mind. I just wish she would open up to me fully and she that I will not look down on her, in fact I would want to explore this with her. I love her deeply and will not let this affect our relationship. I do however admit that I wish her "Master" was not in the picture and she was satisfied with me

She has told me to read up on domination and I am thinking if I get enough background then maybe I can win her back. Another part of me thinks maybe that I can suggest becoming the tool of her master carrying out her desires, but then something just seems so wrong

Please can you explain to me the need for submission in her. Why must she seek this elsewhere, why can't she get it from me. She is slowly killing me inside. I sit there at night listening to her typing to her and him telling her what to do and all this she hides from me

Should I confront her about him and tell her that I love her and that I want her to talk to me about it. Why won't she tell me all things he wants, why must she hide it from me. I can't go on like this much longer. Either I must confront her in sheer rage and anger about it, not so sure I want to go this route. Else I must reveal that I know about her master and we need to discuss where our marriage goes from here

We had a slight discussion the other night but not enough. I am just worried that the more she submits to her master the more she will get distant from me

I have considered whisking her away for a kinky night out at a hotel and the afterwards addressing the issue or even during the act when I have her so worked up. Would this be a good idea or bad idea, the thought of while I am dominating her I reveal I know about her and her master?

I am thinking of going to a Pshycologist but not sure this is the right person for such a topic

What I do know is this can't go on. I need to confront her. I don't want to loose her but I need to understand her need to be submitted and why not by me. She had a bad sexual experience when younger and has never spoken to anyone about it and I think this is where the BDSM feelings come from

Please Help

ANSWER: Hello, Limbo_SA,

Thank you for your question. You're in a somewhat delicate situation. I hope I can give you some ideas to assist you in making decisions.

No one knows where the drive to be submissive or dominant comes from. It's something people just have, like an interest in music or a high IQ. Like people with an interest in music or a high IQ, some people in BDSM have had bad sexual experiences in the past, others haven't. Those experiences can effect people in many ways but it doesn't make them musical or smart or BDSM. You're channeling energy into trying to find a cause and that's not the solution to your problem. Accept that your wife has this interest, then move on to ways to resolve the situation as positively as you can for both of you.

Of course you don't want to confront her in rage and anger. She said she wanted to explore this and you said she could. It makes no sense to be angry about something you told her to do. Instead, you could do what she asked you to do, read and learn about BDSM. That would show that you respect and care about her. That would also give you a reason to calmly open the discussion again and ask that the two of you explore this area together. She likely is not telling you about her activities because she thinks you won't understand. If so, your reaction shows she's correct in that assumption. Some of your distress about this situation comes from your own lack of knowledge; the unknown is scary. Gaining some knowledge will help you put things in perspective, show your wife you're taking her interest seriously, and give you the background you need to engage in this with her. Read some of the questions and answers on this site as a start, then follow the links provided in many answers for other informative sites. I think once you know more about BDSM you'll realize that neither confrontation nor a psychologist will help you as much as knowledge will.

When you reopen the discussion, without anger, explain your feelings. I suspect  you'll find that your wife wants to help and she probably would prefer you to any other man. Approach this not as a problem but as something new you can do together. Be her husband and partner and, if you work together, you could progress to being her dominant. Good luck to you both.

Mistress Violette

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your reply. I understand that she is confused. What I don't understand is why she won't share here experience with this guy with me. If we are too have a trusting marriage then she needs to be honest with me. I really don't mind her exploring and I would like to explore with. You are right in saying I don't understand the whole Master / Slave thing and I will en devour to read up on it more. I will love to be for her everything that she requires, husband and master.

I just want her her to come clean about this dominant of hers. Some of the things he has her doing are scaring me into thinking I will loose her and maybe if she would discuss it with me then I wouldn't feel so threatened but at the moment she is hiding it from me and this is hurting me. He has gotten her to send naked photo's of herself to him, not wear underwear to work, invest in sex toys. She tells him that I can't satisfy these needs for her but I know I can I just need to understand it more

Could you please provide me with some links where I can read up on the whole Master / Slave theory so I can better understand it

At the moment I am trying everything in my power to show her that I love her, hugs, kisses, flowers, dinner. Am I wrong in doing these things, is this a waste of time. Do I just need to directly address her Master / Slave desire

She has shown me this sex site where we can get toys. Does the fact that she has shown me it leave me with hope that she does still love me. I have ordered some toys and am planning on having a sexual evening with her once they arrive. Not sure if I should speak to her about the guy before we do this. I was thinking that with the toys I can show her that I am keen

I suppose my biggest fear is that I feel that I have lost her to this other man, have I? I think I can put up with doing this with another guy if it remains online and fulfills something she needs, I just wish she would discuss it with me. Let me know what he has her doing, hell it will probably turn me on. Not hiding these things will show me that perhaps our marriage can survive. Because she has a Dominant will she eventually walk out on me, I mean is she planning on marrying this guy. She refers to it as a "Hobby" and nothing more

She has "given" herself to her "Master". What chance do I have of winning her back or have I lost her forever?

Answer
Just to be clear, I didn't mean to imply that she's confused. I said it would be unfair of you to be angry with her for doing something you said it was ok for her to do. You're definitely going to have to discuss your concerns with her and it's great that you're willing to learn more about BDSM in order to do this. As I mentioned in my first message, a good way to start is to read some of the questions and answers on this site, then follow the links provided in many answers for other informative sites.

Many of the things you're wondering about come from your lack of knowledge about BDSM and I think it will help if you understand the dynamics of this type of relationship. Right now you're seeing this as a sort of online affair and you may be reading into the situation a lot more than there actually is. Ultimately, the one to answer your questions is your wife. It's important that you gather some information soon, so you can have a conversation with her and get the answers you need directly from her.