Expert: Eirene Nayar - 3/29/2010

Question
My husband became impotent 2yrs ago due to an accident. Along with the impotence is a significant decrease in giving affection to me...he just doesn't think about it. Leaving him is not an option (we've been married 33yrs and I do love him)...but I am still very sexual...I masturbate and use sex toys but I really do prefer a warm  body at the other end of my fun! He would never consider my having a physical relationship with another male even if he was there and could participate at will. Having an affair just doesn't appeal. I have been reading erotica...with a lot of enjoyment and wet panties! And, find...late in life (I'm 60...look and feel way younger) that I should have explored this alternative many years ago. Husband is very vanilla.

So finally to my questions...it may be just trying to justify or desperation ..but, having a weekly session with a Dom sounds so desirable and therapeutic that I won't consider it cheating. Does this sound possible? realistic? or again just desperate. I'm afraid that due to the need for affection and attention I will fall into needing more from my Dom and create a situation that will endanger my marriage..........any suggestions at all? I can't live like this for the rest of my life...

Answer
Hello Linda,

i have been thinking a lot about you since i received your question.  Your choices and circumstances are not easy ones.

i very much do know the overwhelming draw this life style has, especially when you have had even a small taste of it.  I think once you’re in it there is no going back if it resonates with the soul of who you are and fulfills all of those deep needs you have always had.

So now my answers.. Weekly sessions with a Dom are not like having weekly sessions at the spa getting a massage.  It is the nature of these relationships to become intense and emotional.  It’s because of the level of trust involved for you.  A Dom that is experienced *will* pull you into his intricate beautiful web and wrap around your heart as your submission deepens.  It’s impossible for it not to.  

So my question for you is this… Is it worth your marriage to seek this out and explore it further because that is a very real risk.  Just because you don’t see it as cheating does not mean you husband will not.   And he and you will see an incredible transformation in your behavior and moods as this unexplored side of you is let loose.

These are choices only you can make and now you must make them with full knowledge of the possible consequences.

BDSM is one of the most intricate fascinating experiences of my life.  It affects every area of my life.  It *is* my life.  I am more female, carry myself differently. Submission and happiness radiate from me like a magical mist oozing sensuality. BDSM is not just a “scene”  a moment of pleasure to me.  It’s the breath of life to me.

Think very seriously as you venture into a world that has real life implications for your vanilla marriage.  If you are truly submissive you will not be willing to ever return to what you once had.  And I do not think it is really possible to have a Master and a husband (as in two different people).  Men are dominate and possessive by nature.

I wish you well and I hoped this has helped.

Eirene Nayar