Expert: Eirene Nayar - 3/15/2010

Question
Eirene, This is a great web site.  I have always had questions about the bdsm or, actually, loving female authority relationship. It has always bee very clear to me even in the vanilla world that I have a submissive nature. I was once married to a woman who liked having a submissive male around. We were a vanilla couple everywhere we went but at home I was to be naked and ready to serve her every whim.  She was not a "demanding bitch" she was my wife and she loved me.  Our communication was the best I have ever experienced and we were very close.  But, at heart, she was a pleaser, too so she eventually grew tired of my submissive role and we became just another boring "normal" couple. The marriage eventually fell apart, not so much because we weren't in the lifestyle anymore but we just both kind of pulled away from each other. I'm very affectionate and enjoy hugs and kisses and all the things that go with romance. But when push came to shove, she really didn't seem to like the romance, the hugs....etc. To be fair, I really think her feelings of inferiority needed more than for me to be an unselfish lover.....she wanted someone who was aggressive and would initiate sex. During all this time, she had gained a lot of weight and I just couldn't get excited about sex with her. In all the years we were married, I never saw her naked with the lights on. I could only catch glimpses in the dark when she still liked being on top.  So I never really even had the visuals that I needed to get turned on. Ok..there is my history.  By now, you probably know what I want to ask.  I'm looking for the magic answer to "how do I find a wife or significant other who is both loving and demanding. Who doesn't mind being the aggressor and is not afraid to tie me down or use orgasm control. As long as she is attractive and loving, I also don't mind being the aggressor sometimes either.  So I guess what I am really hoping for from you is what do I look for in a woman that might give a hint that she would like (if she doesn't want to call it a slave or subbie) how about a cabana boy?  I'm well aware that for every "mistress" out there, there are probably 2- or 300 sub males. I'm not looking for some internet mistress that has dozens of "slaves."  I'm looking for Ms. Right. In addition to what to look for in a woman that might give a hint to her dominant side, what questions could I ask, without giving away my desire, that might help me in this quest? I'm really a pretty normal guy. I'm 59, tall, reasonably decent looking - at least I don't think my looks aver scared anyone off. I dress well and have manners, good grammar and all that.  Elise Sutton says do "stealth seduction" by doing the things she might like, opening doors, cleaning house, doing the laundry, etc.  By the way, I do not believe in female supremacy.  I think women have their strong suits just as men do. We are equals in many ways. I think the world would be better off if women lead but no one really knows if that's true.  I still want to live a fairly normal life but when the door shuts at home I want someone who is good with telling me to get naked and bring her a drink or whatever. Any ideas you might have about successfully looking for my perfect mate would be greatly appreciated!  
Thanks so much for anything you can provide.

Larry

Answer
Hi Larry,

I am glad you found the site, it is a nice one.  Some others you might be interested in is one called FetLife.  Real people who live in all dimensions of the lifestyle talk about everything and answer questions as well.  You should also look for BDSM groups in your area.  That would be a great way to meet Dommes.

How to find that Domme that is the perfect match for you?  First I would suggest being in a group where you have the chance to meet them face to face.  Then do yourself and ultimatly your Mistress a huge favor and fill out a BDSM checklist.  They are available all over the internet and are basically the same.  It should claify for you...*your* interests and then that should help you focus on the king of Domme you need and want.

There is no "perfect"  Mistress but you can come very very close if you ask the right questions.  Sit down and make a list of the 10 traits a Domme must have to gain your submission.  

Do not ever rush into submission.  Make sure your wants and needs are pretty close or one or both of you will never be quite satisfied in the relationship.

Read read read...everything you can get your hands on.  Amazon.com has some good ones just do a search under books for BDSM.

And one last thought.  You may not believe in female supremacy but you will need to believe that your Mistress brings out the moon at night and raises the sun in the morning.  Dommes like to be worshiped by their subs.


I hope this has helped.  Thank you for your question.

Eirene Nayar