Expert: Eirene Nayar - 3/31/2010

Question
Hello Nayar,  I have been married for 5 years and just recently have been told by my wife that she wants to engage in a polyamorous/BDSM lifestyle.  She had always felt this lifestyle was for her but was afraid to share it.  Because of my jealous nature I never made myself approachable. After doing some research I have become very intriugied and would want to venture with her. we have talked about it, but dont know how to engage?  We have done role playing, but I know this isn't what she needs. coincidently two days ago she had been in a sushi restuarant and approached by a beautiful women, telling her to when to meet her again and what to wear. She and my wife have been texting, and will be meeting up.  I want to be open to the thought of my wife with someone else, but im having a tough time dealing. Because its a woman its a bit easier, but still having trouble finding my role in all this. Am I to allow my wife to be controlled by someonelse w/o involvement.  I'm willing to change for my wife and i need advice on how to understand my current role. How do i  approach my wife include me?

Answer
Hi Dave,

Polyamory means "many loves" and can be profoundly satisfying when it is understood and accepted by all.  You mention that you have a jealous nature and that it seems okay because she is interested in another woman.  Not a great poly situation.  In my opinion people who have that kind of mind set do not do well in poly relationships.  You need to try to alter your thought pattern if this is to succeed.  You need to think more along the lines of compersion, which is the exact opposite of jealousy.  Its when seeing your partner happy with another person brings you happiness as well.  That other person man or woman, fulfills another facet of your lovers personality and needs and that is rewarding and meaningful for *you*.

Poly, in my experince, does not mean a string of one night flings with different people or engaging in group sex.  Not that those are bad things.  They are just not in my definition of the poly life.  I think its more gratifying for everyone if they are long term healthy relationships.  There is little "connecting" of souls in casual meetings.  

As for the BDSM part, its hard for me to gauge where you both are in the lifestyle since you do not really go into detail about any of it.  Are you the top or the bottom?  Is it 24/7 or just bedroom play?  Have you filled out BDSM checklists?  Have you searched out BDSM clubs in your area?  You need to do all of these things.   Talk to those in the lifestyle and read and read and read all you can.  A quick search on Amazon.com with just the key words BDSM will bring up a multitude of choices.  BDSM checklists are all over the internet.  They are very similar and will bring up lots of discussion between the two of you, or at least it should.   

My concern with you both is that this is possibly more about an excuse to cheat then it is to engage in the poly/BDSM lifestyle?  Not positive about that, these are just my thoughts.  (And i even hesitate to use the word "cheat"  because that word has so many connotations that I do not like.)  What should have happened was some very in depth talks about wants and needs and exploring all of this together before adding other people.  And adding other "loves" does *not* necessarily mean you share them or all have sex together. Question the motives of someone who suggests poly one day and has a new lover the next.

I believe very much in telling people the truth.  My truth of course and basically my opinion. Ultimately the end choices are yours.  The more information you have the better your choices should be.


I hope this has helped you.