Expert: Robert Rubel - 3/30/2010

Question
Sir

i was trained that calling a Female dominant...every female dominant "Mistress" is wrong. That term is to be used specifically to the Lady that owned me. Is this a standard Protocol or more likely that one Lady's interpretation of protocol

Thank You..

Answer
Hi, Greg.  Thanks for writing.

I'll give you an answer that I believe is correct, but I'll caution you that there is no agreed-upon standard for using terms like this -- which is exactly what you're up against.

To set the stage -- I identify as Leather, not BDSM.  The cultures are substantially different when you're discussing Master/slave practices and traditions.  Let me also say that I've been owned for eight years, and 18 months into that relationship, my Owner (whom I call "Mistress") gave me my own slave (with whom I also live, but separately).  As you probably know, I'm an educational sociologist by training and the author of a four-book set on Master/slave relations, so I've done a ton of research.

Now to my answer...

Female Dominants, FemDommes, come from the BDSM world rather than the Leather world.  This is pretty obvious, as the Leather community is predominantly Gay and has only had hets in it for a decade or so (in growing numbers).  

FemDommes (such as my Owner) are generally called "Ma'am" by submissive men they do not own and will be called by whatever term they choose by those they DO own.  In my world, I would not have permission from my Owner to call another FemDomme "Mistress" unless in a scene (my Owner permits me to play with others).  That term is reserved for her.  Just as you were taught.

I can't imagine a situation where a submissive man would call every FemDomme "Mistress."  I think that the woman so addressed would immediately object.  I'll tell you for certain that if some other submissive man called my Owner "Mistress" she would immediately conclude that this man was clueless about the subcultural nuances of the term and would immediately correct him, that the only person allowed to call her "Mistress" was her own property, me.

Hope this helps,


Bob