Expert: ziggy ziegler - 3/12/2010

Question
QUESTION: i am a female and have been seeing a natural submissive male 2 female transgender (who has not begun the process) for two months now; we see each other at least once a month and have a strong bond. my slave wishes to be completely dominated, collared, controlled and lead.  as this is my first foray into domination at all, (also on this level), we have discussed boundaries, limits, rewards, etc.  i have no experience in giving pain and want to do so without causing permanent injury; am thinking some forms of cbt.  i have no desire to break skin or draw blood and want more than anything the surrender, not so much the pain. ( I can take or leave the pain aspect.) slave has also mentioned will transition completely if this is required of it.  this was brought up in our very first conversation.  my number one concern is the fulfillment and happiness of both parties and seeking advice. the distance (4 hours) poses an issue and when the time is right, we will change that. Should the milestones in slave's transition be presented as reward or punishment? When should these milestones be met?  I am so excited and anxious about doing this right that I am compelled to ask for your advice.  I have not yet collared slave as we spent our first "date" or "dates" doing vanilla things like dinner and breakfast, etc.  I have a long list of tricks in my proverbial bag; enema, anal training, urolagnia, asphyxiaphilia, tattoo as a form of branding, nipple piercing, cuckold, chastity, etc. Slave has mentioned caprophilia as an act of worship. How much discipline/training does one give? How much affection does one give?  I am interested in ANR and am very committed to making that a reality some day.  How do I find balance between the two?  The time constraints play a big part in that I have to maximize each moment to get the desired outcome.  Our next date/training session is for two days.  What do I do on day one? and what do I focus on in day two? So much to do, so little time!

ANSWER: Greetings, and thank you for your questions.

First I would like to congratulate you on your new relationship. I know that it is all so new and exciting it’s hard to know where to begin.

Your first question about using transition as punishment or reward. My first thought is that transition should be self directed and somewhat separate from the M/s aspect of your relationship. By this I mean that it should neither be a punishment nor reward element to the relationship. I do believe that as an M/s couple talking about and agreeing on the phases or transition and its timing should in fact be a joint decision.

As for the timing of transition, unfortunately for a lot of people it’s a matter of finances. If money is not the concern I would recommend stabilizing your relationship before proceeding. It sounds like there are a lot of things to work out about the logistics of your relationship which although it is exciting it can be very disrupting to the transition process. I would definitely give it some time before jumping right into it.

I am a huge supporter of taking your time in developing the master slave relationship and am pleased to hear that your first contacts were doing things that are basic things that two people do when they first meet. I find this very important. Although the master slave dynamic can become a part of every aspect of your life the couple still needs to be able to enjoy everyday activities. After all, one cannot spend every waking moment of their relationship in the dungeon. Having common goals and common values and interests is the food that keeps things going long term. Koodos to you both.

I have to admit this is one of my most favorite subjects … smiles

As for training: There are a lot of thoughts out there on the topic and I know you said that there were some time constraints. Normally I would say slow down, breathe and enjoy getting to know one another. This doesn't mean act like boy friend girl friend but I find that by adding things slowly this gives both of you a chance to see how things progress rather than heaping a ton of new things on her all at once.

Having said that, I do think setting some basic protocols and seeing how quickly she adapts and masters them will set the tone for incorporating more.

There are two areas of training:

How you would like her to interact with you and what you would like her to be able to withstand and enjoy during SM. The latter is more conditioning than anything.  Both of these areas are great for building a connection with both of you and should be developed simultaneously.  Either way the more you learn the more directive you can be and the more relaxed into her submission she will be. It will also help you develop as a master/mistress as well.

Might I recommend you spend some time thinking about a few main areas?  When you are together how would like her to be positioned in private and in public.  What forms of etiquette would you like her to observe? (There are some great etiquette books out there that can be a great source of ideas.# What do you need from her on a daily basis when you are together and when you are corresponding. How would you like her to address you? How would you like her to dress? When she arrives what how do you want her to greet you. #Naked on her knees head down?# If she needs to be out of your presence will she be required to request permission? When it is time for bed what would you like for her to do? All of this can be elaborated on as you see fit. I find that establishing these ways of interacting early on sets the tone and pace of the relationship. The nice thing is that it doesn't require a lot of learning on your part. I find that it is a great way for the slave to develop head space knowing that she is succeeding.

In the area of SM: Again the more you know the better for both of you. Here again take it slow. Low impact stuff is really a great way to start to get a sense of her pain level#ie spanking paddling)  As she is able increase the intensity. For your knowledge base I highly recommend finding a BDSM group in your area or within driving distance. These groups often have demos or people who have experience in some of the things that you are interested in. I know that groups are not for everyone but often times they can be very helpful in the learning process. I also feel that sometimes they can be very supportive to relationships, but as with anything it has to be a good fit.

One thing to bear in mind is that every interaction is a chance to train, build trust and increase connection. There are few limits to what the two of you can create as long as both of you are willing.

I do want to add that as I read what you posted, I hear your concern for approaching things in a positive way. As you mentioned balance is everything and as with all things that are well thought out, will pay off in the end…

I wish you and your slave the very best in your endeavors.

If you have any follow up questions please feel free to contact me.

Warmest regards


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your great wisdom and prompt reply.  I am glad to know my instincts are right.  I am definitely in love with her and I want for our lives to be happy and every step we take together to be guided and well-thought out.  He is still in man mode now and we are basically in the honeymoon phase.  We write each other poems and letters (with a definite bdsm twist) and it is so exciting.  Our first date lasted for 7 days.

I sense she wants to transition and is eager to begin but explained that it is a process.  For example, I told her male conditioning went on for over 3 decades so small steps are in order.  She already has discarded all male underwear and have bras and panties only tp wear.  Next step is to concentrate on is sit down peeing.  It seems small but I think it is significant.  Since she wants to be female, I have decreed if I am cycling, she will wear a femine product for at least an hour while I am.  :giggle:   (This was thought up as punishment when while in b/f, g/f mode I divulged I got my monthly friend unawares and b/f did not offer to purchase or assist.) He was a bad boy.

One quick question: we discussed after our first string of dates that I took initiative but was not very intense; was still in b/f, g/f mode and took my time to just "be" with him.  He mentioned his strong desire to be collared and be humiliated incorporating some of the other activities I mentioned and I told him that although I know I am dominant and would flourish in this type of a relationship, it is my first.  I instituted a safe word policy in case boundaries were being met and also a TURBO or OVERDRIVE WORD (I hope that makes sense) which for me would indicate slave wants a more intense experience and wants me to push him to his limits even further.  I realize this may be considered him "topping form the bottom" but I felt it was necessary, what is your take on that, having a buzz word for INTENSIFYING the activity, the opposite of a safe word?

I just wanted to say thank you again and I embrace all aspects of our relationship and the potential for exciting new experiences for the both of us.  He has a long way to go and I am thankful I have a strong, sensitive, professional and insightful slave to train and both a boyfriend and a girlfriend. I take my time with the femdom aspect as well as the sissy training and transgender issues.  (She wanted to begin transition whilst unemployed) I decided that would not be wise as it would be an unnecessary stumblingblock to create in a bad economy.  Just using good old common sense and my imagination and with experts like you at the ready, we can't go wrong.  Thanks, Ziggy!

Answer
Greetings Ms Carie

Thank you for the follow up question:

I would  have to agree with you about transition. Although this was not a question you had i was wondering if she has seen a trans counselor. I would also agree that transition, like your relationship is a process and one that shuold be taken from one part clincial or physical prospective and one part Psychological approach. ( why he is transing and how he envisions his life as a woman) Sometimes this is best done by someone other then their partners.


"I instituted a safe word policy in case boundaries were being met and also a TURBO or OVERDRIVE WORD (I hope that makes sense) which for me would indicate slave wants a more intense experience and wants me to push him to his limits even further.  I realize this may be considered him "topping form the bottom" but I felt it was necessary, what is your take on that, having a buzz word for INTENSIFYING the activity, the opposite of a safe word?"

I think in the beginning having a word to say that things are ok and I would like more is ok… Better then “ is that be best you got Ma’am”  lol yes I have heard that. But I would recommend that you move away from that as soon as you feel comfortable reading his/her body. Believe it or not sometimes having such words as a standard can actually retard the Masters/mistresses skill in observation. Plus I imagine that the goal is to have her eventually trust you so that she has as little control as possible. Might I also recommend a little thing I have done in the past with trainees… I ask them to tell me three things the liked about the session and three things they didn’t. This does not have to be a assessment of your topping but it will help you to judge how he is processing the pain. She can eve do that in a journal. BTW i do recommend journaling in whatever for feels right for you.


Unfortunately, what I see happen is that we (we all do it) fall into patters and then later is difficult to break them later on down the road. I like to see couples move rather quickly for Bf/gf into D/s rather quickly but still at a pace that is comfortable for both. I tell M-types all the time the more information you have about your slave the easier it is to assert your dominance in a way that is natural to you. It is for this reason I like to take time knowing a trainee. Letting them talk about their pasts and how they feel about things in general are windows to what you will form. This is important if you wish to maximize your dominance. I meet new masters all the time who think that the scope of their dominance is complete. This maybe the goal but he or she needs to have the details of the slave’s inner workings and life experiences. Most see that as long as their slave does what they tell them then everything is ok. It sounds like you are looking at things in a way that is going to maximize your own true nature, and I must say it is very refreshing…

Thank you for your kind words, I am honored to be available to share my knowedge and experience. Please feel free to contact me as you wish

Warm regards
slave ziggy