Expert: Robert Rubel - 3/23/2010

Question
QUESTION: helllllooooo sir/mam. m a guy from india in ma late teens. i had a fantasy to serve female feet and be a slave right from ma childhood. i use to think that m a bit unique kind of creature that has a desire to be a female's slave.however it was only at the age of 17 that i came to knw about words like femdom bdsm foot fetishism and all through internet
i realised that i wasnt the only 1 in india having this same fantasy. i made a fetish account in the social networking website orkut and tried to interact with other people having same interest as me. i realiesed that there are many boys who like to be slaves in india but what is lacking is girls interested in femdom.
the reason 4 this is definately the lack of awareness about this bdsm in india.   

i saw many experts writng that a mistress can be a girl whom u really trust as it involves surrendering urself entireley b4 her. considering this i talked to my gf{who is also of age of 18} about ma fantasies

she was shocked initially but later agredd to aloow me to lick her feet. i was thrilled beyong measure when i licked her feet and sandals for the very first time. but once i kept doing it on 4 or 5 occasions i realised that i wasnt enjoying taht as i had expected

the reason for this was i wasnt being dominated by my girlfrend or u can say mistress. i was doing all that {i mean feet and sandals licking} out of ma own will/. thats what left ma desire unfulfiled

i talked to ma gf about this and she said that her problem was that she knew nothing about femdom and she finds it difficult to be cruel towards me a s she has feelings of love for me being ma gf

PLZ HELP ME IN THIS REGARD/. ADVICE ME HOW I CAN GET MY GF TO DOMINATE ME  LIKE A GOOD DOMINATRIX AND HOW WE CAN MAINTAIN A BALANCE BETWEEN OUR PERSONAL LIFE AS A BF GF AND A RELATIONSHIP OF MISTRESS AND SLAVE

ANSWER: Shekhar,

This is one of the hardest questions I've ever had.  Personally, I have a Mistress, and I asked her for help, too.

The most basic answer to your question is that it's really hard to get another person to change "who they are."  As you noted, you don't have a lot of role models for FemDommes or Mistresses in India, so your girlfriend has no role models.

The kind of woman to look for to make into a Mistress has to be naturally dominant.  For example, I'm not naturally dominant despite having run small companies most of my life.  I've read lots of books on being dominant, but it's just not in me; it's not who I am.  A lady can trust me as much as she wants, but I still can't be made into a dominant. I wasn't born that way.  I'm a guide.

There are a number of books about being a Dominant woman and even books on how to learn to be a Mistress.  Here's a link to a list of the top 100 BDSM books.  When the page opens, on the very top line there is a place to click on this week's top 100.  You can buy these in India through Amazon in Great Britain.

http://www.bdsmbooknews.com/  -- remember, you have to click on "this week's top 100"

+++

Now: my Owner suggests that you and your gf work out some bedroom scenes.  Short ones at first.  The goal is to introduce her to some of the clothing you fantasize about.  Get her to spank you, or flog you.  Teach her what to do to please you. Take it in little steps.

"Cruel towards me...":  There is a HUGE difference between being a dominant woman and being a bitch.  Also, there is "good pain" and "bad pain."  Play with "safe-words."  If she starts hurting you, say "yellow".  That does NOT mean stop, it means "slow down while I process the pain."  When you want her to STOP, say "red."  This is called "playing with colors" and it's done all over the BDSM world.

If you think she can understand it, explain that the goal of the "pain" in BDSM is to trick your mind into releasing endorphins so you can have a lovely floating feeling (often called "flying").  To do that the fastest, the person receiving the flogging/spanking/caning is tied up so they can't get away.  As the "Top" continues to flog the "bottom," the bottom's brain says that it wants to fight or run away (in psychology: "Fight or flight response").

When your body is tied down and can't get away, your brain releases endorphins and you are flooded with a fantastic feeling.  This is also called "runners' high" and marathon runners report it all the time.  It's also called "going through the wall".

So: the reason she's "hurting" you is to give you this magical feeling.

Feel free to write a follow-on question.  I leave in the morning for a four-day business trip.  Won't be back in the office until next Tuesday.

Thanks again for the challenging question and my very best wishes for you!

Bob


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thanks very very much for considering and even answering ma question in such a detailed manner.

in ur answer u mentioned somethings why we "slaves" or "subs" like pain and humiliation. however i must confess that i cudnt understand that as it was explained with a lot of technical words and terms

i have always been wondering why we people are  like that
means why do  we liked to be flogged??
why do we want to be humiliated by a mistress???
why do want to lick their feet???????
why do we want to be their slaves???????/

i have surfed these questions on net many  many times but could get a simple answer for it

i request u if u could explain the reasons why we want all this??? why we like pain when it is given to ue by a beautiful dominant girl??? in some simple terms

as m just 18 its difficult for me to understand these hard words . so i would be very grateful to u if u could explain me in a simple and comprehensive way.
thanks very much
regards

Answer
Shekhar,

I admire you for asking these questions.  Very good!

Pain: there is "good pain" and "bad pain".  Good pain (building the pain up slowly) can produce the endorphin rush I mentioned before -- "flying."  Have you ever heard about marathon runners -- how they get a lot of energy back just after the point that they think they will have to quit the race?  In running, it's called "going through the wall."  It's the point at which their body hurts so much from the long running that their brain releases chemicals called endorphins.  Much of the goal of BDSM is to give that endorphin release to the person receiving the pain.

Humiliation:  Some people like to be humiliated, most do not. It's just how the person is put together, mentally.  It's what some people like.  Think about foods. You really like some kinds of foods and you really don't like some kinds of foods.  Same with BDSM.  Some people like "A" and some people like "B".

"Playing with colors" means that if the flogging or such is getting too hard/strong, the person being flogged can say "yellow," which means "back off" or "don't stop.  If the flogging is hurting too much, they can say "Red" which means, "Stop immediately!!"

Personally, I like to be flogged.  It feels good -- nice massage.  There are two basic kinds of floggers -- those that are "thuddy" or heavy (like being hit lightly or hard with a fist) or those that are stingy.  The thuddy floggers have wide "falls" -- the name of the strands of leather or rubber connected to the handle.  The stingy floggers have much thinner falls and sometimes they are almost square strips of leather.  They sting a lot and often leave marks that can turn into bruises.

Some people like flogging, some people don't.  There are people in the world who like anything you can think of -- including drinking urine or eating shit.

Some men go to a professional female dom (called a Dominatrix) and pay to be humiliated.  I don't like it, personally, so I can't imagine why a man would do that.  It may be that he can act out his low self-esteem.

Some men get erections -- get hard -- by doing these things.  They get hard flogging a girl, they get hard licking her feet or stroking her nylons.  Same with slaves.  Some men and women are happier serving someone else.  They don't have to think about their future, the Master/Mistress worries about that.  It can be very comforting to be taken care of completely.

I so like to serve women that my personal sex practices are almost all devoted to pleasing the woman.  I don't do much intercourse (fucking).  Mostly licking and fingering and vibrators...  Just the way I am.

It can be very exciting to be flogged (or anything else) when a girl is all dressed up in high-heels and sexy clothing.  It's very exciting when a girl is powerful enough to force me to submit.  I simply like it.

Hope this helps,

Bob