Expert: Eirene Nayar - 4/21/2010

Question
I have been in this lifestyle for 5 years now.  The first 3years to a single Gorean Master who taught me well on obedience, servitude and most areas of play.  I met my current Sir 2 years ago.  He was married at the time to a vanilla woman and she was in total agreement that he take a slave as she was not interested in BDSM in the least.
She and I were best friends and we three played sexually a few times.  Until one night 12 months later when she saw that it was more than BDSM that tied He and I together, it was a deep love.  I was collared and deeply in love with Him. Slowly over this time I was told to cater to her.  If I got flowers for Valentines day and she saw them I wasn’t allowed to say He had given them to me, but that work had sent them.  No face book updates that pointed to our being together.  He tells me she doesn’t want any link for the family to know of His actions.  I was being integrated into the family and life was looking really wonderful  until she decided she no longer liked me and asked him to leave me.  He refused.  Now he tells her most of our visits.   I removed my collar a few months ago as the trying to please two women situation needing sorting in his head. I asked him to get himself together before I would consider taking it back.  I get one sleepover night a month.  Otherwise it is a few hours a week and online chats as this is mostly long distance (He lives 90 mins away).
I was told at the beginning i would be kink wife and his wife would be the nilla wife.  Equal standing. Now I feel I am the secret. Don’t really want to be re collared as is His desire.  She vetoed him coming down for my birthday saying she wouldn’t be home when he got back if he went. He chose her.  When I went into hospital she wouldn’t let him call me.  I cant ring when things go wrong for me eg. Death of a relative and I need Sir to talk to as most usually “there are people around” .  He said she would spill the beans and tell everyone of his lifestyle if he steps out of line.  I thought a Sir was supposed to protect, look after, support and direct me. Although I have a successful work and running career with no partner, I have no friends as He doesn’t approve of any of them.  I am not to have any friends that He hates. And by His own admission He hates most people.  I feel isolated from the scene and am at odds with Him if I choose to go out on a night He is spending with His family.

Am I being unreasonable?  I feel even though she hates me now, she has resigned herself to our relationship that he needs the BDSM component in his life and me and it is wrong for us to continue.  He says he will leave her for me and wants me to wait for him.  Says it might be 4 weeks, might be 6 months but he has a plan.  I found out yesterday they still have a sexual relationship.  I am so confused.  I am 51 now and although I look good for my age, I feel life is passing me by and he will never leave her.  We switch and I have discovered my domme side over him.  This is a relationship that has everything I could want.  Except Him totally.

Do I listen to Him and let Him control His wife and their relationship?  I have offered to stand back and let them regain ground in their marriage but He said He has told her “ You know where the door is if you don’t like it”  She stays. I thought it was a polyamorous triad but thought all three had to be consenting.

I need an objective opinion, please?  I have asked nilla friends but they dont understand the devotion and life i have chosen. Is what i am going through normal? Is this right? I feel bad because i dont want to share my Sir with this woman. Should i wait? Please help me

thank you in anticipation

Answer
Hi Marie,

I have been thinking about your question the last few days.  I feel your pain intensely.  This is not a good situation you are in.  You may not like my answer but it’s from my heart and my sensibilities.

This poly relationship ended when his wife got jealous about his feelings for you.  It is unfortunate that she could not come to terms with her status in his life and the part of him that was satisfied having you as his slave.  That may have been a fault of his not making her feel special and loved I don’t know.  It could also be that she is just the jealous kind and that she was fine with the sex play until his real feelings for you came out.  Jealousy is corrosive and I have never seen it completely eradicated where it existed.

Regardless of all that, here you are.  A woman at midlife, vibrant, intelligent with the ability to fully care for herself.  You discuss in your email that you have some switch tendencies.  Draw on that strength for a bit.  You deserve better then you are getting in your relationship with this man.  

You say you removed your collar a few months back so why then does he still have all other rights of ownership?  You are still at his beck and call, why? He decides who and what friends you will have?  He comes over at his whim to use you, why?  No wonder your pain is so great.  You have all the duties of a slave with none of the protection and love.  He is isolating you so that you stay trapped to him.

Do *not* wait for him to decide what will happen to *your* life.  You are not owned by him.  And this situation will not get better.  He may or may not ever leave his wife.  Even he has no idea.  That all aside it’s not fair of him to keep you hanging around just wondering and waiting for a tiny handout of affection from him.

You have a history of Gorean training.  Many Masters would be delighted to own such a girl.  Your devotion is obvious just misplaced at this time with this man. Masters that really care for a slave and love her do not treat their heart so casually.  

My advice is this.  Write him a good bye note.  If possible do not speak to him directly. You are not collared by him so that protocol of a face to face meeting is not required nor has he earned it, and he will undoubtedly try to pull you back in with his empty promises.  No need to be angry in the letter just that you need to move on for you.  Then sever all ties. Block his calls and don’t answer any mail from him.  

There is no future with this man, only endless heartache.  I hope that you will heed my advice the ultimate decision is of course yours.  I am hoping to hear from you again in the future telling me how happy you are at the feet of a new deserving Master.

Remember this always.  As a properly own cherished slave you should feel *good*.  Emotionally your heart should be light and happy while you busily plan what delicacies of your submission to next lay at your Master’s feet.  You should hold your head higher, walk with more pride, revel in your sexuality, laugh more, flirt more, within his presence and out of it.  The world should see your glow of happiness.  

Is your life at this point filled with laughter.... or tears?


Best wishes,

Eirene Nayar