Expert: ziggy ziegler - 4/6/2010

Question
I feel silly asking this, but I also feel so very confused that I have to say something to someone and get some kind of feedback.  I got into a relationship with a man who thought that he was a dominant.  I had previously been in a very intense D/s relationship, but he was newer to the lifestyle.  I think his interest in BDSM was a reaction to his very manipulative and nasty ex-- he thought that D/s would keep him in control, so that he wouldn't be hurt by another woman.  So when he realized that he loved me, when he started to trust me, he lost interest in D/s, it became something he didn't need.  It bothered me a lot, for awhile.  I felt like I was a terrible submissive to drive him away from the lifestyle, that I must be doing something wrong, but the truth was that he was just never that interested in the lifestyle to begin with.  I tried many times to talk to him about it, but he kept saying that it made him feel inadequate.  He's not inadequate, I love him very much, and I want him to be happy, so I dropped the whole thing.  That was last August.  We haven't talked about BDSM since.  This leave me in a weird limbo, though.  He collared me when I first moved in with him, and so I'm still wearing a collar despite being completely without an actual D/s dynamic.  It's not a subtle collar, either, it's a big, heavy, unflattering ring around my neck that looks terrible and causes people to ask questions.  If this were actually a D/s relationship, maybe it would make some sense to make that statement of ownership, but it's not a D/s relationship, and so it's not only frustrating, but a reminder of what I don't have.  I love him very much, I'd rather have him the D/s, it's not a question of whether or not I should be in the relationship.  He's already expressed that he was just mistaken in thinking that he was a dominant, that D/s isn't something that he wants.  So how do we move past the beginning of our relationship?  I can accept that he's not really a dominant, I love him anyway.  But I've worked hard to learn to live without the element of D/s in our relationship, and I'm frustrated by the continued remnants that still cling on.  I'm in a vanilla relationship, so why to I have a heavy steel ring around my neck?

Answer
Greetings Maggie

First, thank you for your question.

I am not sure if i have an answer for you, but please allow me to share with you something i have been contemplating lately. Perhaps it will be of some help... The idea of authenticity and how that relates to surrender.

There are many submissives out there, for one reason or another are faced with a change in their relationships with their dominant partners. It is not uncommon for the dynamic to lose it appeal for both partners. It can be a hard transition. It is even harder, if one person wishes the dynamic and the other doesn't. The question of what to do is an impossible one to answer. How do you follow what you want without losing what you love? Each time you look in the mirror and see the collar you are reminded of what you don't have with the person you love. I would imagine that no matter how much you love him it has to cause you some feelings ( however slight)of resentment and confusion. I know that if i love someone its not just a passing feeling and the more i love them, the more i realize how conflicted i am.... i often wonder why i am so conflicted if my love is so complete. Hence enters this idea of authenticity.

This means i have to look at myself honestly, what i believe to my truth. This is mainly in the area of what i want, need and desire. I find that when i am in conflict or am not sure what to do, its mainly because i am not acting true to who and what i am. The other thing i found was helpful was why i want to be in a D/s relationship. What about it feeds my authentic self? From there if my partner isn't into it; are there other activities i can participate in that meet those needs. This doesn't necessarily mean you go out and find a top or someone who will meet your need to be submissive. ( although there are couples who make such agreements) But perhaps there are other ways you can fulfill such a desire.

The important thing is that you are authentically  you and that those promises you make, with yourself and with others fall inline with what is honestly you. If you are not in a D/s relationship, is wearing a collar an authentic symbol of your current life?

Bottom line i guess, is that only you know, who and what you are, and what you want your life to represent.

Having said that please don't let the topic of BDSM or D/s to be the white elephant in the room. Because eventually it will erode the good parts of what you have with him..

i wish you the very best

warmest regards
slave ziggy