Expert: Robert Rubel - 5/6/2010

Question
Hello,

I have been in a serious m/m relationship for three years, although we have known one another much longer. We have always been generous in our sex life, sharing our desires, exploring fantasies together as much as we were able. I am submissive in the privacy of our home. In the beginning, things were simply top/bottom, a secret stash of sex toys, a spanking or two, dirty talk, possessiveness. We'd fool around with the concept but it would be... just that, fooling.

But for the last year or so, our relationship has developed a master/slave dynamic. I think he's come into his own, so to speak. He has always been a magnificently dominant man, but he excels at this. It took us years to get to this point- him more than me. It's not 24/7, but I had hoped that one day it would be. Currently I wear three things: his collar, a ring with his initials and a third thing I have mentioned below:

Recently, six months ago or so, we started experimenting with chastity play. We both loved it. He even bought me this marvelous, miniature steel cage with a padlock and ring and said that it was to symbolise that I belonged to him, that I was not to touch myself, that he would release me when he pleased, that I would come when he gave me permission to do so.

That I belong to him is an honour to me, for as long as I remember I have worshipped him. And I was doing so well. But last week, when he removed it for cleaning, I couldn't resist masturbating, even though I knew it was wrong. Only I didn't think about him while I was doing it. I thought about a friend of mine, one I've been spending a lot of time with lately. I would never, ever cheat, but the fact that I'd thought of someone else shamed me. I felt like I had severed this bond we had worked so hard to achieve. I was completely miserable for days. He caught on and made me tell him what was wrong.

There was silence for a time when I admitted to and apologised for what I had done and then he took off my cage and my collar. I haven't been this unhappy in a while. He didn't say a word while he did it, either.

I know I don't deserve to wear it, but the thought of him never putting it back on is killing me. Worse yet, I can't seem to stop thinking about my friend, although I have no interest in doing anything with him at all. How do I put a stop to this thought process? How do I prove to him that I am worthy of wearing his gifts.

Answer
Oh, God!!!

You've really committed a contract violation: basic breach of trust.  That's grounds for dismissal.  I hate to say this, but I'd do the same thing with my slave.  In fact, she once actually said "No" to a direct order and when we got home from the restaurant (where this occurred) I removed her collar.

I understand that you are in anguish over this.  It hurts.  I get it.  I'd suggest that if you wish to return to your Master, that you petition him for reconsideration and beg him to tell you the process he wishes you to go through that would lead to resolution and forgiveness.  If he's still permitting you to see him, I think this would work.

This said, I'm very strict in my M/s relationship.  She can get away with murder if it's only a protocol violation, but for a contract violation, I'd cut her lose in a minute.

There is a saying in the M/s community:

Forget it once, you dishonor yourself.
Forget it twice, you dishonor me.
Forget it a third time and you dishonor our relationship and you're released.

Now: I do not have any good ideas about your friend.  When in doubt, clear the air with an honest conversation with him to clarify your respective roles.  I'm not sure what next to say; perhaps there is some conversation you might have with your Master that better illuminates what you were/are going through with the other man.  If it's an intellectual connection, then the other man may be an asset to your relationship with your Master.  Don't know the situation...

Feel free to ask follow-on questions.

By the way, two of my books would help you out right here and they're on Amazon UK.

Master/slave Relations: Communications 401 -- the advanced course

Master/slave Relations: Solutions 402 -- living in harmony

The second book is written specifically when something like you're going through happens in an M/s relationship and you want to "throw the kitchen sink" and finding a solution.  The book is the kitchen sink.

The first book contains a bunch of ways of determining if you're really speaking the same language as your partner.  It is probably the book you should read first.

Best of wishes to you.

In Leather Heart and Spirit,

Bob