Expert: ziggy ziegler - 5/29/2010

Question
I have known for some time that I have strong submissive tendencies. I crave a romantic and dedicated total power exchange (or at least something close to it). I have told my boyfriend about this, we are very close and have been together 4 years, but he has difficulty jumping into this role and doesn't know where to begin, although I have tried explaining in detail what I want. He also says that it is very hard for him to think up what he should make me do and to roleplay or set up scenes. He says it might help if I took on a dominant role over him for a few days to show him, but being dominant is even harder for him than it is for me and I do not enjoy it. We have done some bondage and aggressive sex that he has enjoyed, so I think if we got going he might enjoy being dominant. How can I make fulfilling my needs easier on both of us and teach him to train me as his slave and soon completely take over?

Answer
Dear jesi

Thank you for your question.

When couples start out its sometimes hard for one partner to take on a dominant role. i believe the key is not to force or coerce your partner into the dominant role. This approach often leads to frustration for both and has the potential damage what is already there. This is not always the case but great care should be taken not to push to hard, to fast.

It has been my experience that when partners wish to transition their relationship from vanilla to a power exchange relationship its best done as a couple using outside sources. I recommend this approach because, although a submissive can teach things to a dominant, learning from other dominants prevents the submissive from falling into the role of "Topping from the bottom."  This form of relationship puts the submissive in control of the dominant partner through manipulation. It does not sound like the relationship you are looking for. However, it is easy to do if the submissive partner has more motivation and drive to learn.

Learning from outside resources can be done a number of ways. Sometimes through books. There are a number of well published books out there that will help shape ideas for your partner to try in implement with you. I recommend that you do the same. I find there is more to surrender than just taking orders.

Another approach is to find a local group in your area. These groups are specific to the D/s dynamic along with the practices of BDSM. There both of you can talk to others who are along the same path. These groups also host educational events as well as play parties and socials. I find this the best avenue for learning as it allow both dominant and submissive to observe the sublties of both dominance and submission. In addition, i find it nice to be around folks you can be open with and discuss things that otherwise kept secrete to those we associate with.

Might i recommend googling "BDSM and insert your state" from there you can choose groups or events in your area or near by. If attending a group is what you desire, most have online lists you can join. Contact the list owner and let them know you would like to attend a gathering. Most have a few steps they ask new members to go through..( strictly for privacy and safety reasons)

Online is another way to learn more and gain from the experiences of others. WWW.fetlife.com is a well versed site that covers a great deal of fetishes along with D/s and M/s relationship topics.

Regardless of which avenue you take ... please take it together... please do not rush things and allow your partner to develop his own style of dominance and you your submission. Do not be afraid try new things and keep it light as you both learn and grow.

I wish you the best of luck and if i might be of further assistance please do not hesitate to contact me.

warmest regards
slave ziggy