Expert: Oscar G. - 5/23/2010

Question
QUESTION: I am new to this community, my Dom and I meet online through a dating site almost a year ago. I did not know what he was into, I thought he was just an aggressive guy in the bed and I kinda liked it. Then after maybe 2 or 3 encounters he explained that he was into BDSM and wanted to me to be his sub because he felt that I was naturally made for it. After ding some research I agreed with his assessment.  He is prior military I think now he is a contractor or could have been one when we meet, (we meet in an Asian country). I am still here and he is in the USA. The problem and questions that I have is that 1.He refuses to tell me much about himself. I know it he claims to be single, not really sure what he does for work. He only let me come to his place once when we were in the same country, all other times were at my place. He say's he is really private. Now that he is in the USA he really wont tell me directly what state he is in, I do have his phone # but its a cell so could be anywhere.

I just want more basic information about him, I have told him everything he ask of me. After all I am sharing every part of me with him. On every level we get along and have a very strong chemistry.  2. problem is that he allows me to play vanilla because I have a high sex drive. I play under the condition that I share every detail of the encounters with him. This is fine with me. But I wish he would do the same. 3 problem is that I have fallen in love with him, I know he cares for me but not love me. I am so sad and miserable cause I want his treatments. I feel like I have a split personality cause I need want desire him in my life and when he is  not apart of my life I feel so sad and lonely.  Other men dont seem to satisfy me totally. Yet, I try to explain to my master that I if I could get more romance affection from him I could be totally satisfied. I am not asking him for a relationship which he made clear that he does not want in the traditional sense.

I dont know what to do not happy without him and unsatisfied with him.

ANSWER: HI Camille:

More than a BDSM question this seems to me like a dating question, but with the elements of BDSM in the relationship.

For your issues, he could either very well be lying or being honest. But him being not forthcoming it would raise a red flag for me. But then again with so much distance and time between you, a solid romantic relationship would be very hard.
If you knew and agreed with him to have this relationship as it is, and he told you he would not get romantic, then you did; then the issue is with you, as cruel as i may sound.
That is why i never advocate BDSM play if there is not a solid base emotionally and emotionally clear. Feelings DO develop if unaware of the strong sensations and emotions that arise in this type of play. But also the fact That is not a 2 way street in communication is not favorable to you nor can be developed with so much distance and time between meetings.

My only advice would be to ask him your needs and wants. If he cannot or does not want to give you what you need and want, then you  have to move on and look elsewhere for a man closer to you that is into BDSM. Just because you may like being submissive, does not mean you have to suffer emotionally to get that treatment you crave. Seek online for local people into BDSM, that will be closer to you and local. I know Asian countries may be a bit more conservative, but Internet could help you find what you need.
I hope this short advice is enough to help you sort out your ideas. Best wishes to you in the meantime. Be safe and take care.

Oscar G.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks Oscar for answering my question, now I have a follow up. Here is what I wrote to my dom and his response to me.

I really need for you to be open with me about simple stuff , nothing really big but I think that I deserve to know certain things about you.  I don't feel like you have lied to me ever, but I don't feel like you have any reason to be so secretive with me either. I think that I have proven my trustworthiness with you.

Please have you ever been married? Are you currently living with anyone? Do you have any kids? What state do you live in? When is your birthday at least month i don't need to know year really , what about how old are you? Are you in the military or not? Are you a contractor?

His response(SLUT,

I have answered all these questions for you B4, but will again because I respect you, you will ALWAYS serve me (regardless), and I am your MASTER!  

I was married once, have a son, do have someone that stays w/ me at times...on & off (we just have it like that), in my early 40s, was born in December, am in the military, and live in Texas (but travel/stay in OK, NM & Arizona... at times).)

The only thing that he had every told me before was that he was divorced and was in is 40's and that he moved to TX and travel. He NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT HAVING A LIVE IN.
So I told him I thought he was deceptive and a liar because I would have never let my feelings get involved or told him how I felt if I knew about this live in. I demanded that he come clean with me about the live in situation and tell me if she knows about me. Along with wanting to know where I stand and what I am to him.

His response-
I've been upfront w/ you and now I'm getting TIRED of your bullshit.  I'll ask this question again for the final time....are we meeting in Vegas or not? If we are then keep me posted on the details, if not then shut down communications w/me!

I am hurt and confused I dont know what to do. I still care about him and want to be his slut. Am I wrong for what I said... All of this is so new and different to me.
I am I out of line as a sub wanting to know this info? And my response to his answer was it wrong?

Thanks

Camille
Thanks

Answer
Dear Camille:

Even if this deals with BDSM is not excuse to be treated with lies or dishonesty. Being submissive does not means being disrespected or taken for granted. I am sorry the person was not honest to you, but at least you found out before anything else happened.
Liars exist anywhere and some people may lie about being Dom or lie about their situations even if the are Dom. But doe snot imply that Dom lie always. Just happens to be a person claiming Dominance that lied to you. But you did well listening to your  instincts and asking what had to be asked.
Just because he is a person that could provide you with what you want, does not mean he should lie or treat you in a bad way. You are not wrong for asking the truth. Just because it is  BDSM does not means respect and honesty should be forgotten and bad manners forgiven. Just because you are submissive doe snot mean you can be done whatever someone else wants. It only  means you give yourself freely to a person that deserves it and you can trust. But since he was not very honest to begin, maybe trust is not quite there. And his demands do not show much caring for your welfare and benefit, but his interests. I believe you were right in what you did. Do not feel badly in any way. You are NOT wrong.
Best wishes to you. Keep safe and be well.
Oscar G.