Expert: awhitecloud - 5/30/2010

Question
Hello,
I am a sub and I have been involved in bdsm since I was 19 (30 now). I essentially introduced my current partner whom I've been with for a few years to bdsm and he turned out to be a natural top. While we are not "life stylers", bdsm is still a rather large part of our relationship.
Unfortunately, in the past couple of years, circumstances have caused him to lose his job. This wasn't by any means a surprise or particularly devastating and we both agreed that he could take *some* time off to tend to some other aspects of life that had gone neglected. Things like the chance to exercise more, get some reading done, get some projects off the ground and get some extra education to further his career. Unfortunately, none or very little of these ambitions have come to pass. And to top it all, he has not made a stab at regaining his career. He is unmotivated, completely unorganized and stuck in a vicious cycle of procrastination. And as months have turned to years I’ve started slowly to lose respect for him as a man and with that is going my respect for him as a top. I was beginning to think that we were over but then in the past couple of months (and maybe under threat of the end of our relationship) he has begun to make an attempt at getting out of his funk and getting his act together.
Yet, by this point I am so incredibly frustrated that his attempts seem meagre and I feel incapable of letting go of my disappointments and this in turn means that I continue to emotionally move away from him as my partner and my top.
So my question is... what is a girl to do? In other words, how can I continue to show respect to my top when I feel no respect for my partner? I can’t very well shelf away that side of my life and I don’t want to damage it by showing disrespect/lack of trust that’s grown out of frustration in other parts of our lives.

Answer
Have you considered taking him to the Doctor to see if he is depressed?  That sound more like it would fit in here.  I am sorry but maybe you both need to look at attending munches and meeting some like minded people that you can have time with that can add the spark back into your life.

You need to get some time with other subs and well try to encourage him from a different angle.  If eh sees you being happy and getting part of the support you need through them, it will not be as hard for him to step in and want it for himself as well.

Okay another thing to talk about is what if you get him a Mentor?  To help him and guide him as well to help and direct you?

It is not for everyone but it does work and a number of couples use this option.

I hope this has helped you some, please come back again and post more or just say hello and let me know how your doing.

awhitecloud