Expert: Oscar G. - 5/26/2010

Question
I apologize for what may be considered a long and roundabout approach to my questions/issues.

First, (a very long) background:

I am a 55 year old strong-willed, opinionated woman, who can be extremely controlling and bossy. I believe that this is overcompensation for my need for someone to be in control in a power vacuum. I have often dreamt of being in a challenging relationship that was a battle of wills, a battle for domination, except I really do not want to dominate.

I have been married to a sweet, loving, kind, and funny 55 year old man for 8 years; we have been together for 10. I believe that I love this sweet man but, unfortunately, I do not believe he is the love of my life. He is a loving partner who is my best friend, which is beyond value to me, especially since most of my previous relationships were quite dysfunctional. I consider myself to be straight but do have occasional fantasies that include sex with women or with a man and a woman. My husband has never expressed any desire for men. I have seen the porno he has watched and it involves standard oral/vaginal sex with a “money shot.” This is my husband’s third marriage and my first. Our current (vanilla) sex life has not been as rich and fulfilling as we wish it to be due to various issues. My husband’s dissatisfaction with having to rely on ED dysfunction medications following a previous surgery and having retrograde ejaculation, as well as my, until recently, decreased libido, has had an adverse effect on the frequency and quality of our sex life.

I have been perimenopausal for about 3 years. However, I have recently been experiencing an upswing of my libido. In fact, I have been masturbating anywhere from 2-4 times a day. I have had a gradual increase of fantasies of D/s scenarios with my taking on the submissive role, which is incredibly exciting to me. I have had a varied and active sex life before my marriage, almost all of which was “vanilla.” I have had only one ménage à trois (me + 2 men) and few BD/Ds sexual encounters/relationships. In one previous single encounter with a man who was actually a good friend, I took the dominant role, which was enjoyable for both of us. Previous to my marriage, I was involved in a long-term relationship with a very strong-willed powerful “bad boy” who really wanted to be the sub in our relationship, which did not appeal to me although I tried to please him.

I have begun dialogue with my husband concerning my sexual fantasies. I do not believe, at this point, that I desire the D/s to go beyond our sex lives. He said that his previous experiences with wife #2 with spanking were a dud. His first wife was very manipulative. He tends to be non-confrontational, whereas, l tend to value debate. He has admitted that our discussions concerning what I believe are my sexual needs intimidate him and are not entirely appealing to him. I am beginning to think that he may also be an unexplored sub. I am afraid that I may either lose him if I press him to explore my fantasies with me or never really explore my sexual potential. I have begun to believe that if I can explore my sexuality as a submissive, I would be less controlling in the other parts of my life and, therefore, with him. I do not want to go outside my marriage to obtain sexual gratification.

Finally, my questions:
Am I truly a sub? Am I in a marriage with another sub and is there a happy compromise for us? If he is indeed a sub, is it possible for me to convince my husband to explore this with me even if does not appeal to him? I want us both to be happy and fulfilled

Thank you, in advance, for your thoughts.

Answer
HI NJ-RN:

More that submissive you may be a bottom, that is to say a person on the receiving end of BDSM. But for the reasons you expressed, you want to transform some of your traits into more submissive and flexible ones for the sake of you sexuality and relationship. Thing is life has shown you to get results by being active and assertive, so it is hard for you to change those habits you have learned.

Despite of that, he may dislike the argument of debate, not the sexuality issues. Specially if you express you want it need it in an honest way. After all from ex #2, how fun it is to spank someone if they are NOT into it nor enjoy it and were manipulative to  begin with? I can understand he may be hesitant, but if you are genuine and enthusiastic he may bite again. If he is truly submissive and you are re submissive and you do not want a 3rd in your sex life, the openly answer would be for you to be practical switches. Meaning You would have to take turns to indulge into each other kinks, fantasies and desires/needs. And that would involve  willing effort and honest communication/disclosure with each other. So one time one can cater to the other, and then change roles next evening. Not to say each one of you cannot get some  fun  and enjoyment from being on the top role if you find the right way. The key is not share fantasies , be honest and willing to  compromise, but also show genuine interest on his ideas and show him your eagerness  to please if he were to take change. Make it worth his while, and show him that sexually you can be as pleasing and submissive and you can be  strong and firm in the outside world. And if he caters to you, you will cater to him. But will take time, honesty and  communication and sharing.
Best wishes. Be well, be safe and have fun.
Oscar G.