Expert: Robert Rubel - 6/9/2010

Question
Hello,

I am a 29 married father of 3, have been married for 7 years now. My wife is a natural submissive, has done extreme BDSM in modeling shoots, and has been somewhat active in our personal lives. I have always been interested in it, and have played with her and a few others. But am now being told that after having 3 kids with me and being married for so long, she has a problem feeling "scared" by me, and thus forth attaining the proper perception of me to have the same effects as before or even that she has had with others.

I deeply love my wife, but also have no problem with expressing my desires and sadistic qualities, but it is the way she views me from normal life with kids that has dampened that perception she once had of me that allowed her to view me in the same light as other Doms she has met since diving into the BDSM world 11 yrs ago.

Is there any advice you could share upon said subject matter?

Deep in thought,

Married with children.

Answer
I apologize for the delay in replying to you.  I was away four days at a weekend kink conference.

Ack.

Well, one of the well-known issues on our community is that when a couple lives together, there is a huge pull to revert to "married" because the "married" archetype is so strong.

I would have much more to say to you if you were in a Master/slave structure.  There, you can use protocols to help get the two of you back into "M/s headspace".

What do you know about playing with "the beast within"?  You might want to pick up a copy of "The Forked Tongue".  

http://www.amazon.com/Forked-Tongue-TF08SE-Flagg/dp/055704961X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF...

It starts out with a lot of points that I like and ends up describing how HE is able to terrify his partner of many, many years whenever they play.

But this book is about playing with your inner beast when you play and would give you one answer to your specific issue of instilling fear.

Are you a member of any BDSM clubs?  If so, please write back to me to my regular email account and we can discuss referring you to a couple of people I know who may be able to discuss this with you with more authority.  I entered this world in 2001 and have never gone near the beast because I haven't had a seriously masochistic play partner.  PowerExchangeEditor@yahoo.com

Best wishes,

Bob