Expert: Robert Rubel - 6/17/2010

Question
I am in a current M/s relationship, not involved in Leather and have been in this relationship for about 2 years, that was when I started getting involved in BDSM.  My slave has been involved in BDSM for about 5 years, I am her first Master.

A couple of months ago my slave went to the library and read all psychology/relationship books that talk about BDSM and most of what she read was negative toward the lifestyle.  Because of that she now feels that she doesn't know who she is, or what she is.  She wonders whether she is the way she is because that's the way she was born or because of her childhood or some other reason.  She wonders whether she is damaged in some way or if there's just something wrong with her.  She loves serving me, she loves being my slave; the problem is she just wants to know why.  She needs a handle on life, a way to understand herself.  I've done everything I could think of.  I read the books with her and we discovered a lot of biases of many of the authors and dismissed the poorly conducted studies.  But, the questions in her mind still linger.

This has made her very depressed.  I like for my slave to be happy and I like to make her happy, but nothing I did seem to help.  I am not sure where to progress from this point.  She is still in the training phase, but I feel that I cannot get her to the next step with these pressing questions and depression.

Could I get some advice?  Or, could you direct me toward some resources that may help?
Thank you.
-MMarkus

Answer
Master Markus,

The Internet can be so annoying!

Preferences for chocolate or vanilla or strawberry are just part of who you are.  From what you say, she simply has a slaveheart.  Which is a good thing in an M/s structure.

I'd certainly suggest that you pick up a copy of at least three of my four-book set on M/s relations.  That would be:

Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice
Protocols for the Female slave: Handbook of Theory and Practice
Master/slave Relations: Communications 401 -- The Advanced Course
(optional right now) Master/slave Relations: Solutions 402 -- Living in Harmony

Also, if you'll write to me at my regular email, I'll send you a "resources" sheet that includes reading suggestions that are relevant to the Path the two of you are on.  PowerExchangeEditor@Yahoo.com

If you're not yet a member of Fetlife.com, I'd recommend it.  If you do, you're welcome to do a friends exchange with me: Dr_Bob

I also strongly suggest that the two of you attend one of the five regional Master/slave conferences. They're held in:

Indianapolis -- August
DC -- Sept
Phoenix -- Jan
Dallas -- Feb
San Jose, CA -- March

There, she will see 400-500 M/s folks with workshops for slaves/submissives.

These conferences are a VITAL aspect of bringing someone new to M/s into this life.  It's a real eye-opener.  

Hope this helps,

Bob