Expert: Robert Rubel - 6/3/2010

Question
I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now and we have always had a sort of D/s relationship. However, I have some questions about entering the lifestyle. He has brought up the idea of collaring me. I want to be totally excited about the decision (if it should arise), however it brings about fears that I can not get out of my mind. Being new to this type of relationship doesn't make it any easier either.

I have an extreme desire to give him everything I have within me. He is an awesome man and honestly, I am not sure I can live up to all his standards of what he wants. He has become more and more kinky and I love the idea but some of his ideas are extremely painful for me and I do not like them. From what I understand, a sub must do everything that his/her dom asks, does that even involve things that I am not comfortable with? I want to make him happy and have him to collar me, but I am not sure I am ready if it involves as much discomfort as he is asking of me.
I know I need more training and I am willing to be trained, but are there limits that shouldn't be crossed by a dom? If there are, what should a sub do if a dom crosses the limits? Im so lost! Any advice will be helpful, Thank You!

Answer
Rose,

Some of the answers to your questions are so complex and involved it's going to be hard to do this without actually speaking with you.  If you want to call me, my cell is 512-850-7780.

First and foremost, there is are some subtle differences between D/s and M/s.  Also, there are substantial differences the way M/s works in a BDSM (heterosexual) setting and how it works in a Leather setting.  (Leather started as a gay culture but now has about 20% hets.  I identify as Leather and all my books are about the Leather approach to M/s).

Dom/submissive
Master/slave

submissive vs slave:  submissives negotiate what they will and will not do.  slaves, once collared as slaves (rather than collared as submissives) have surrendered authority over themselves to their Master and may not say "no."  On the other hand, the Master is morally/ethically obligated to look after the well-being of the slave and thus may not FORCE the slave to so something against his/her will unless Master believes that the lesson learned from doing it will benefit the slave.

For starters, please pick up copies of to of my four books on Master/slave relations.  Go to Amazon and type in my name: Robert Rubel.  Get Master/slave Relations: Handbook of Theory and Practice and then pick up Protocols for the Female slave: Handbook of Theory and Practice.

Also, do an Internet search for "BDSM Collars" and/or "collaring ceremonies" and/or "meaning of collars".

If you want a reading resource list, please email me at: PowerExchangeEditor@Yahoo.com and I'll send you a handout that I use when teaching this stuff.  It groups books by BDSM and Leather, starting out and then more advanced.

Most important message: DON'T RUSH INTO THIS.  This world is a complete subculture.  You should take some time and join a local BDSM group (Google the name of your city and BDSM to find local clubs).  Lean about this subculture.  My first book will tell you LOTS and LOTS about what you should be aware of with a Master/Dom, etc.  When done "right," this is the most powerful kind of relationship I've ever known.  I'm 65 and have been involved in an M/s structure since 2002.  I am Owned by a woman and after 18 months, she gave me a sex slave.

In Leather Heart and Spirit,

Bob