Expert: ziggy ziegler - 6/18/2010

Question
I have been in a relationship with a woman for 4 years.  We have had an incredible time and played with some BDSM and recently signs a slave/Master contract. Since we have signed the contract she has been pushing the boundary of defiance. Texts, emails and other behavior which she has devised to push buttons is beginning to become annoying. she is looking to be punished for being bad, however I don't want to give her what she wants, as that would be counter productive to my authority. I am at a lose as how to punish her.  Physical punishment would be a reward for her as that is what she is looking for.  Psychological punishment has worked, but there is a fine balance I am trying to maintain. she is incredibly self conscious and I have just brought her out of her shell. I don't want her going back in.  Being new to this I am not sure where to take it.  I won't give in, but her defiance needs to be answered.  Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Answer
Dear Mike

Thank  you for your question.

This dilemma is commonly encountered and it is a testament to you as a master for asking this question. Unasked or undelt with issues often leads to a dismantling of the master slave dynamic.

First, please allow me to address the behavioral aspect of this issue.

As i see it there are two possible reasons. I bring this up because as we are dealing with others; understanding what drives people can lead to understanding your next step in dealing with the above mentioned issue.

When people enter into slavery there is a process that often goes unrealized. In theory, accepting surrender as a part of your relationship congers up some intensely romantic notions of a caring, firm disciplinarian figure ( the master) However in reality giving up power and surrendering ones personal power is far more difficult that we know. Socially and culturally we are encouraged to be independent thinkers along with self reliant. As the relationship progresses the reality of surrender sets in and certain fears arise. These fears provoke what i refer to as "push back" or what is perceived as defiance.

Another issue that leads to disobedience is related to unidentified and unfulfilled needs. One of the things i talk wit slaves about is understanding what drives them. ( why do they do the things they do) I push them to observe their actions and determine why. Often times what they report is that by acting out a specific behavior they are hoping for an outcome that meets a need. As you mentioned she is being disobedient or is not displaying the proper attitude concerning her role as a slave? It is possible that she sees her role as slave as someone to be punished... She may also see herself as someone who is not supposed to ask for what she needs or maybe she does not know how and therefore is allowing behaviors that are unacceptable. For this type of slave misbehaving is a way to receive play and attention that she is unable or unwilling to ask for in a positive and acceptable way.

As for punishment: I do feel correction can be a tool for attitude adjustment but i also caution against it where other work is needed. The risk is that to much punishment can lead to other issues that will adversely effect the relationship down the road. I also believe that both masters and slaves are tasked with leaning each other and learning their roles. In her case learning that being a slave isnt just about following orders blindly but rather knowing who she is and what the role means to her specifically. Also what your role means to you. The greatest change has to come from with in her. All the punishment in the world will not change her attitude is she is not willing to look inward and make the necessary changes that support her role as slave.

As i see it punishment can come in many different forms... I always caution against too much psychological punishment. Perhaps instead of punishment perhaps some soul searching might be in order. When i mentor slaves they much keep an electronic journal so that i can get a sense of what is going on inside. I can also comment back but usually dont.. I do introject writing assignments as part of the journaling process. I may also use the journal for talking points are our weekly sit down meeting. i use it as a way to check in on assigned tasks. These tasks are slave related and are used to challenge the slaves thinking and self perception of their role as slave. Depending on how they do depends on the privileges i allow. This re enforces their role and my role as mentor... in your case your role as master.

I think that over all the role of slave runs far deeper then what is observed outwardly. However, obedience is one way she affirms her role as slave. She must understand that her disobedience damages the the very dynamic she desires. Her disobedience also damages trust and creates resentment in the master long term.

For me, the best punishments and or corrections, are those that not only reveal my indiscretions but also serve as a learning tool revealing aspects of myself that need my attention. Its easy to pick up the paddle. However, picking up the paddle can blur the lines between actual punishment and SM play. Eventually you will have a slave acting out to get what in her mind is connected to the play you both may engage in.

Taking away or preventing a slave from doing something she enjoys has some effect but not as much as we would like to think. She may pay attention to her behavior for the time she is restricted but long lasting attitudinal changes will not change until she has internalized her role as slave.

Her understanding about how punishment effects you is also  important information to her. It interrupts the flow of your day. If you are like me i do not see my owner enough, the last thing i want to do is disrupt what little time i have with her with having to be punished.

At the end of the day punishment that is a tool comes from knowing and understanding your slave. I am not in any way saying you should not make her responsible for her behavior and attitude but i would say  that the more you understand her the more productive your corrections will be. Learning what motivates her will also assist you. Lastly always make sure that your punishment has a direct beginning and a direct end. We dont want punishment to be on going as this may damage her willingness to change.

I realize i have expressed a lot here and hope that it will be of some help to you. Please feel free to ask follow up questions if need be.. Go with what you know sir.... trust your instincts....and proceed from there.

warm regards
slave ziggy
House of Talonstar