Expert: ziggy ziegler - 6/2/2010

Question
Ok two years ago my husband (this year of 13 years) and I traveled into the realm of BDSM, I taking up the slave role because that is my calling, and he as the Master.  Signed contract, training the whole nine yards.  Part of how we run things is to include play partners and find someone who will fit in with the family and become a perm. fixture in our lives.  Last weekend, a much younger girl we met at a local kinkster event that we attend with our kinky group was invited back to our home, where we spent most of the night talking.  Things happened which I had no issue with between all three of us.  However, upon going to sleep I was woke up an hour and a half later, with my Master, having sex with this girl.  I do not feel jealousy, only the fact that when he woke up he said he looked down at both of us deciding who to wake up.  And, chose her, someone we don't know that well. I thought this was step that happened rather quickly, figuring it would eventually happen down the line.  And, that I would have at least knowledge that it was going to happen where I wasn't involved.  Am I wrong to feel hurt? Do slaves even have the right to be hurt by what their Master's decisions are? Please help as I now sit and wonder if when we have sex if he is going to be seeing her or me.

Answer
Dear Dina

Thank you for your question.

First let me say that it is OK to feel hurt. I subscribe to the idea that feelings are information for what we might need to do. I also believe that the station of slave should not in anyway preclude a person from feeling and or experiencing their feelings. Its really OK. Smiles.

Now for your question. I find that sometimes as couples are taking their first steps into the master slave dynamic that things come up. It is the difference in perspective. It becomes a matter  of yes the sky is blue but what shade of blue is it? The idea of what was agreed upon may need adjusting. I do understand that the master does reserve the right to do as he or she pleases. After all isnt that all part of the power exchange. However, it is a wise master who is willing to openly discuss those areas of concern to the slave. While making choices that support the over all health of the M/s dynamic.

A successful open or poly relationship works only though effective communication and the respecting boundaries so that both parties feel safe. I have never found it very successful for the master to say ok we are inviting others into the household with no further discussion about what is to be expected. I am not implying that is what happened but i am saying that more communication between the two of you might very well be helpful. Your primary relationship is your 13 year marriage and the M/s dynamic... measures should be taken to support that relationship. The rest is recreational sex.

Again i think its normal to feel hurt by the things the master does if it falls outside what both of you agreed on. Also remember its important to keep the lines of communication open. This will help greatly in preventing you from developing feelings of resentment which can damage what you both are building together.

Having said all of that. If you bring your feelings about this situation to your owner please try and hon in on what feelings you are really feeling and why. Be prepared, depending on your particular master, for him to not want to change how he does things. In that case you will need to accept his choice as your master. ( i don't know many masters who are going to negate their slaves feelings) All and all, its a matter of making those small adjustments to keep all parties feeling good about the roles they are in within the relationship.

Remember, the success you have had in the past 13 years is something to celibate. Those same skills will help both of you in your journey as master and slave....

i hope i have answered your question. If you have any further questions please feel free to contact me again. In the the mean time i want to wish you the very best.

warmest regards
slave ziggy