Expert: Robert Rubel - 7/26/2010

Question
QUESTION: My Boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now. We met on a type of personal site under the pretense of a sub looking for a Dom. The first portion of our relationship was long distance, but we've been living together for about 6 months now.

I can tell that he loves me very much, he is incredibly sweet and loving. We don't really argue or fight and aside from this problem I would say we have a near perfect relationship. However this is a very big issue for me and I want to do what I can to resolve it.

When we first got together our sexual and D/s chemistry was stellar. While we had a somewhat tame D/s relationship, we seemed to both be what the other had been looking for, him in search of a submissive but still somewhat aggressive partner and me looking for someone who could tame a feisty sub. We engaged in all sorts of different D/s activities - daily email/phone assignments, vocal sexual play, mutual masturbation with control/release etc. It was the best D/s relationship I had been in and was seriously considering moving into a 24/7 agreement with him.

About 6 months ago when he made the move here, things suddenly changed. He became very timid around me, which I understood to be part nervousness since we were just getting together in person and also part respect as he wanted to get to know me better before becoming physical. I expected that would wear off over time, which it did, but things are still incredibly awkward and unsatisfying in the bedroom for us.

I am a very insatiable girl with a very high sex drive. I am now legally separated, but I was previously in a sexless marriage, so I'm feeling a bit sexually starved on top of my already insatiable nature. I am incredibly attracted to my boyfriend and could happily be intimate with him 4 times a week if not more. I just look at him and am filled with want, lust and desire for him. At this point I'd settle and be content with once a week, but he just doesn't seem interested.

The problems first started when he moved here, we just could never seem to get on the same page when it came to the bedroom. As I mentioned previously at first he wanted to take it slow, but I felt that since we were already intimate it didn't matter. Once we communicated that seemed to solve that problem, but then other things started to go awry. I was always the one who had to initiate sexual activity, he never would. One day I was in the mood and we started to mess around but he lost his erection. He had a lot going on with relocating so I told him not to worry about it, that he was just distracted, but he took it very hard emotionally. It started to become a reoccurring problem for us and he became even less interested in sex.

I took this very hard because after him not seeming interested in sex with me in the beginning and then not wanting to have sex because he couldn't stay aroused, I felt like I wasn't what he wanted aesthetically and he wasn't turned on by me. I actually cried once during sex because of the overwhelming feeling of disappointment that he wasn't interested in me. We talked about it and things seemed to get better, at least with maintaining his erection, but things are still awkward and unsatisfying.

We have very vanilla sex on the rare occasion that we do. Even though he's the Dominant party, I'm always the one having to take control and initiate. I can play switch if need to, so I don't mind taking control sometimes, I kinda like it - but I ALWAYS have to take control. I say the things that he used to like me to say before, but he doesn't return the sentiment or react in the way he used to. The only D/s element is that I'm on the bottom, and sometimes he'll get slightly forceful when he wants something and I know it, but tease him and won't do it for him - but really that's all.

I don't understand this at all. He was the perfect Dom for me and I thought I made the perfect pet for him. I loved submitting to him and pleasing him, but now no matter how hard I try I'm just not doing my job. Constantly trying to initiate sex and being turned down has made me feel so hurt and rejected that I have given up trying anymore to spare myself the bad feelings, but now its been 2 weeks since we've had sex.

I miss being intimate with him and despite me no longer trying to start him up I still sometimes hint that I want to be with him, yet it results in nothing. I've tried doing other things to get his mind back on sex, walking around naked to maybe make him interested... staying completed clothed for long amounts of time to maybe make him want to see me naked... he's a breast man so I've put on my best push up bra's and worn low cut shirts all day to show them off to him and make him want me when we're alone... I've gone to bed in the most uncomfortable but very appealing nighties... I've tried arousing him in his sleep - None of it seems to work.

We've talked about it and all he says is that he feels insecure about engaging in sex because he's afraid of losing his erection and feeling bad about it. He claims that it broke something in him when that happened and even though it normally isn't an issue it still bothers him. I've explained to him that it hurts me because I feel like he's not interested and he offers no excuse or explanation. He says that he will try to work on it but he doesn't.

I thought that once he felt more comfortable around me maybe he would ease back into the Dominant role, but as I've said its been 6 months of living together and nothing has changed. Even though I would miss it greatly, I could probably be ok living without the D/s aspect of our relationship - but we're not having sex at all. I also feel like if we could just get to a point where we were having sex regularly, maybe that would open up the doors to get us back to that D/s part.

How can I help my incredible boyfriend get over his insecurities?

How can I peak interest in that underlying Dom in him to make him want to make me submit to him again?

-Signed-
Abandoned pet

ANSWER: Wow! What a situation!

My initial reaction is that some people are able to portray themselves in writing differently than they do in public.  Your expectations of him were based on the persona he was projecting during your LD relationship.

I'm also an expert in the "How to Have Great Sex".  So, I'll combine the sex into the D/s issue.

Most of sex is in your brain.  And is in his.  The minute he starts telling himself that he can't stay hard...  he can't stay hard.  Until he can take control of himself (and, from your letter I believe will be a challenge for him) and change his "self-talk," this situation will spiral out of control.  Which it may already have done, as you've also indicated.

He may not think you are sexy, that's true.  Or not.  My guess, based on your descriptions of him, suggest that he doesn't like himself very much, doesn't like his own body and is embarrassed by it, thinks that he's horrible in bed, and is convinced that he can't possibly give you an orgasm.

Was he a virgin, by any chance?

So... for the sexual aspect, I'd suggest that you pick up some books about adding spice to your relationship.  On Amazon or B/N, just search for "hot sex".  I'm also going to suggest my own book, here.  I'm the author of "Squirms, Screams, and Squirts: Handbook for going from great sex to extraordinary sex"  (Robert Rubel).  It has an important section about a woman’s sexual parts, then, much of the book is about foreplay, fingering, licking and vibrators.  It has nothing in there at all about penile penetration.  

It offers step-by-step suggestions for bringing a woman to orgasm and (different techniques) causing a woman to "squirt" (ejaculate).

Also, while most women have heard of and think they know about their "G-Spot," it's never been medically identified.  Similarly, while most women have NOT heard about the Anterior Fornix ("A-Spot"), it HAS been medically identified as a very powerful erogenous zone.  So learning about female anatomy is important for both of you.

As an aside, in my opinion, the best book for sex position is: “The Cosmo Kama Sutra: 77 Mind-Blowing Sex Positions”.  It depicts the position and tells you why you’ll like it.  It’s put out by Cosmopolitan Magazine.

+++++

Now, to take on the D/s part of your letter.

People come into life as male or female, sort-of.  And they are molded by their parents and the quality of their lives into being Dominant or submissive; or a switch, or totally passive.

So, you end up with transgendered women who are submissive or dominant -- and so forth.

I suspect that your guy is submissive, can't admit it to himself, wishes like Hell he could be what you want and is making things worse and worse and worse because of what he permits his mind to himself.

You could pick up some books, though, in case he is interested in becoming more Dominant.  Peter Master's "The Control Book" would top my list, then there are some books on Amazon that are meant to help guys become more of an "alpha male" -- which is your search term.  If he really likes this path, the heavy-duty book is: "The 48 Rules of Power".

++++

How do I come to know this off the top of my head?  Because I identify with your boyfriend, to some extent.  I'm Owned as well as have my own slave and I often find that I'm behaving somewhat submissively toward my slave.  Which makes me crazy.  So; I'm working on ways of being more Dominant, too.  I've just started on "The 48 Rules of Power".

And the sex book?  Because I felt that my sexual talents were somewhere around a 1.5 on a 1-5 scale where 1 = hopelessly lost.  So I started to watch porn movies and read lots and lots of books about the subject.

Oh, a parting shot.  

While I believe that you see the handwriting on the wall, let me comment that once someone has opened the door to D/s (or BDSM in general) they VERY seldom walk back through and close it quietly behind them.  I think that even now, you're having trouble coming to grips to a vanilla relationship.  You know too much.  

Celebrate the good times you had together and try to remain friends.

Hope this helps.

Bob
















---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you very much for getting back to me so soon.

I wanted to respond to a few of your points and also ask some follow up questions if I may.

Firstly: I agree with what you said about how maybe it was easier for him to be more bold without being face to face with me. I've even asked him if he was elaborating a bit before about his level of Dominance and if so that's ok. I offered myself up to be the more dominant partner as well, but he assures me that he wouldn't be interested in that. We have an on-going joke that we're like equals, he's just 51% and I'm 49% - the extra 2% being the reign grabber. I've teased him that I'm 51% now and the one in control and honestly he seems to not be interested in that. I guess I just keep thinking that if he was able to say those things and act out his Dominant side at one point in time, then its obviously in there somewhere. The trick is just how to get it out of him when he's actually with me, which once we get the sex under control will be my next task. Any advice you might have on that will be very helpful.

I also agree with the mental downward spiral he's getting himself in. When we talk about it, I explain to him that the more he thinks negatively, the worse it will be. I assure him that I don't care even if he does lose his erection, as long as we are trying and sharing the intimate experience, to which he just responds with "Well I care." He has brought up the time that I cried and how he is afraid of that happening again, to which I tried to explain to him that I only got so upset because I felt that he wasn't sexually attracted to me. He assures me that this isn't true. I'm more likely to believe that he wouldn't lie about that as he's very snuggly, cuddly and kissy and my logic says that if he were repulsed by me then he wouldn't bother being close to me at all.

He wasn't a virgin when we got together. He's older than I am (I'm 28 - He's 31) and from what I understand he's been with the same amount of partners I have (10 or so). He was in Varsity Sports in High School and then in College was in a popular Fraternity - all pointing that he's not been inexperienced with women. He claims to never have had a problem pleasing girls and expresses that's why he's so baffled that he's having the erection problems now and that being the reason why he feels as if it happening at all has broken his will.

Also: For being a sub... I can be sort of "demanding" in bed. Although I don't think of it as demanding... I think of it as an instruction course lol. I didn't start having orgasms until later in my life and it can be difficult for me to achieve them. Things have to happen a certain way and if you're new with me I am very vocal about how to get the job done. He had mentioned that when we first began having sex, his normal method didn't work and so he also worries that he won't be able to get me off. Again I have explained to him that I don't even care if I get off, as long as we're being intimate, but I think that's just another fear of his surrounding our sex life. I'm almost worried that no other girl actually took the time to teach him anything... a lot of girls are like that. I'm not one of those girls however. I've been with virgins and trained them all very well! I think that at 31 he might just feel inadequate that someone has to teach him.

Do you have suggestions for how to get him out of this negative thought process? I think that's what I'm mainly dealing with here. How can he feel like "the man" and take charge, when he feels like his manhood won't be there for him? I've tried to be very uplifting - expressing how gorgeous I think he is (and he is) and how much I care about him, but it doesn't seem to be working. Don't get me wrong... the actual act of intercourse is quite good! I tell him that as well... obviously I wouldn't be so concerned about getting some if it wasn't any good! But again that seems to fall on deaf ears.

I feel as though I just can't get him to look at the situation with an open mind. He can be a very closed off person, especially when he feels insecure about something. I actually chuckled at the thought of suggesting he pick up a book, he can barely stomach talking to me about it in the privacy of our own home! I personally will look into the book suggestions though, if only on pointers for when I talk to him about it. Do you have any suggestions on a way to ease into these types of conversations with him? I'm very much an open person - if you want to know I'll tell you, so its hard for me to look at the other side and think of how to get him to open up and talk about it with me. I'm afraid that I'm too blunt or scary... and again I feel like talking to him about it makes him feel more pressured and more intimidated.

Lastly: In the event that maybe he does prefer to be submissive, Do you have any suggestions for ways that I could ease him into the sub role. I am confident in my Domme skills, I was a paid FemmeDomme for a few months some years back (which my boyfriend knows about) but the subs that I Dommed were all very in tune with their wants and desires - I'm not sure I would know how to handle a) a beginner and more importantly b) someone I actually have feelings for.

Wow! I feel like I'm so lost here! Thank you so much for all your helpful advice. I was really starting to feel lost here.

Answer
Hey, Brandy...

You know a great deal about sex, what pleases you, and how to train a man to satisfy your wants and needs.  Trust me, you're in a small minority of ladies -- I'm an active swinger, too.

For his erections...  if he'll take it, get him some Cialis or Viagra, etc.  As you've written on open letter to me, I'm not willing to give you the URL, but if you write me a private question, I'll send it to you.  I've been dealing with this particular firm for about 3-4 years and they are very reliable.

For training him as a sub...  If he's willing to go there, then I'd start by taking him to some Club Femme meetings, if you're in a city that has a chapter.  Unfortunately, it's a "heart" thing.  You'll have to probe that delicately.

I should also point out that you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear unless you start with a silk sow.  Translation: he may not have the skills, temperament, smarts to learn to change himself.  It happens that it's something I enjoy doing, but not everyone does.

Also, that you are in love with him SERIOUSLY affects your ability to make a clean decision about how much of what you are willing to tolerate.  In the world I live in, many Masters very specifically will not fall "in love" with their slave for that vary reason.  While I love my slave, I am NOT "in love" with her.

++++

So let me put myself in your shoes for a minute, in a Master/slave context, which is how I live.  Let's see whether this story helps you at all. (The initial couple of lines are made up, the rest is real.)

So I've extended a 3-month training contract to a girl I met online.  We've had this great online relationship and she assures me that she already knows Leather protocols, as she had been a slave for many years.  She moves in with me from another state.  It's my own fault, but I failed to ask her what her service background was -- waitress, saleswoman??  It turns out that the answer is that she has NO service history.

Almost from the outset, I notice that she's not as slavelike as I had thought.  I'm still so new at this kind of structured relationship that can't tell whether she's topping from the bottom, is a brat, or is testing my control.  She seems not to quite grasp the nature of an M/s structure.  As an initial test, I assign her some writing tasks exploring some questions that I've worked out.  Concurrently, I give her some books to read concerning being a slave and Leather protocols.

As I'm absolutely unwilling to live with a vanilla partner, I'm concerned about her fit with me.  We have great sex, and it MAY be possible to limit her role to that of a sex slave, but if I do that, she's going to have to wrap her head around my bringing someone into the house who has a "slaveheart" and who is focused on (and lives for) providing service.

After doing this process, I find that while she can intellectually grasp all this, her lack of service affects her ability to deliver standard service, let alone the "anticipatory service" that distinguishes a senior slave in my world.  That's a problem.  She loves me, she's great in bed, and I don't like the level of service that she offers.

So: my choice is to live with a sex slave who would earn a grade of C for her service capacities or to dismiss her.

I'm still stuck at that exact point.  And it's been nearly seven years.

+++

So: you can fix the erection thing but you can't fix the Dominant thing unless he's willing to throw himself into the world of self-change.  Also, he may be a switch in the bedroom but prefer an equal relationship with you the rest of the time.  That he can write mini-novels portraying himself as a Dom has no bearing on who he is in person.  I'm not too sure that he can become the person he presents in writing.  That's one of the really risky things about the Internet; what you see is not necessarily what you get.

People have all kinds of different needs from a partner.  Some need a companion, some need a sex-crazed partner (as you and I do).  Some people are essentially asexual or nonsexual.  Luck of the draw.  That said, you might have his testosterone level checked.  Simple blood test.  I take supplemental testosterone (I'm 65).

On getting him to behave more like "the man" -- we're back to books on being an alpha male.  I've never read any of those because in my core, I'm a Guide, not a Dom.  If you repeatedly fail to follow my guidance, I'll dismiss you -- with sadness.

Communications books.  I've written two, both of which are relevant to you.  The first is: "Master/slave Relations: Communications 401 -- The Advanced Course" the second is: "Master/slave Relations: Solutions 402 -- Living in Harmony".  

The first book is filled to the top with communication strategies.  The second book is written when there's trouble in Paradise and you're questioning whether or not you'll stay with your partner.  This book applies serious business-level problem solving strategies to relationships.  It's a fair amount of work, but it requires each of you to do such things as create a list of your values and compare and contrast yours with his, etc.

Over to you.

Bob