Expert: awhitecloud - 7/26/2010

Question
QUESTION: I’ve been in a relationship for almost 2 years now. When we first met and starting dating he told me that he was into bdsm. He stated that he wanted/needed this to be a part of the relationship. I didn’t have any problem experimenting – and found that I liked it.
Now, our sex life is what I would call non-existent (once per week) and it’s always vanilla. When asked, he states that he thought I wasn’t really “into” it and that he doesn’t want/need the bdsm lifestyle at this moment. Yet I find that he only looks at bdsm websites/porn and has memberships for: dating, cheating, and fetish websites. When approached he states that he is just looking at pictures and is looking for friendship. I have also found pictures sent to him from other members (always bdsm images) and found that he had even exchanged pictures of his own with them. He has also met with at least one woman (I found an email) – yet he states it was only for dinner and to talk. He states that he loves me and doesn’t want to be with someone else yet I feel like he is cheating on me and looking for someone to have the bdsm lifestyle with (since it’s certainly not happening with me).
I try to talk to him about this but I don’t seem to get any answer. I don’t know why he seems to lie about what he wants, when he is clearly still into it. Is there any way to approach him that would make it easier to talk to me about wants/desires? I want to be with him, but I am unsure - if I don’t get an answer, whether I can ever trust him again – to not cheat/find someone else.
Any insight/ideas/suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

ANSWER: Okay you might try sending him an e-mail and let him now how you feel.   Sometimes guys talk better or answer questions that way better.  You need to try and give it every chance that you can.

Maybe ask him if he is going to meet others if he will take you along so that you can make some new friends as well.

okay for myself i do not have an issue if my partner has other friends, for it is  to meet needs that he wishes to try and find a way to meet.  sometimes it can take more then one person in your life to meet all the needs.  And a lot of men once they are in love with someone do not want the lifestyle because they do not wish to hurt the one they love, but it does not stop the burring desires they have inside of them.

I do not know him and I can not speak for him and what he does.  And you go through his e-mail....WOW I would never. You can not have trust if your doing that, and if there is not trust you can not have a D/s relationship at all.

You both need to sit down and talk and find out what is going on in each others lives.  Your more a strange then you think I fear.  I am sorry but you need to spend some time with your hubby and see where you both are, for it is not just about BDSM at all.

I hope that you can get back to where you where with him and that eh will open up to you.  Please hang in there and see what you can do to get him to talk more with you. not in the middle of the commercials during the game either. :-)

I do wish you well and good luck on your adventure.

awhitecloud

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: This isn't another question, just more of a response...
Thank you for your answer - it made me think about a few things and look at a few things differently. But, just for the record, I have never gone through his email - I called it an email, but I'm not sure what it was - it was on his phone, and I didn't go looking for it. I actually don't have any problem with him making new friends/meeting with people that he can talk to - but it's that he hid it from me.
I will try to email/write him - that may be a step in the right direction.
Thank you again for your suggestions.

Answer
hang in there and well just keep trying.  I feel for you and your in a very hard and painful place.  Please keep trying to get him to talk with you it is the only think I know that can help. Come back and e-mail me if you just need to chat it is awhitecloud@awhitecloud.org.

Thanks again sorry I have no cut and dry answers that will help you.

awhitecloud