Expert: Robert Rubel - 7/20/2010

Question
i am a submissive who's been in this lifestyle for several years. i have been in a D/s relationship for 2 yrs. For a little over a year now i have been collared. A few weeks ago, i did the unthinkable and asked Master to release me. i was under a lot of stress at the time and felt that i could no longer please Him, therefore being unable to fulfill my role.Master released me and i have regretted it ever since. W/we are still in a relationship, still committed to making it work and most recently have been having meaningful discussions about what the Collar means to U/us both. Sir had me in a protective collar for the past week, in which i felt uneasy about my submission to the point of acting out and being bratty. i dispise being that way and do not identify as a brat. Shortly after losing my collar, Master told me that it was possible for me to earn it back. At first He had no concrete ways for me to do that. A week later Sir told me that i was to get my life in order. (i'm great at organizing everyone but my own life it seems) So i have been forcing myself to get enrolled in classes, college, etc. my counceller said that Master had given me 'concepts' to follow, not specific ways of earning my collar back. Last night Sir told me that what i've been doing are vanilla ways and that to earn my collar, i would have to be in my protective collar, doing BDSM related things to earn it back. Just what those things are, W/we are both unsure of. Master has never had to deal with this issue before and has no ideas on how to proceed. i apologize for the lengthy intro...Sir Robert, do you know of ways/tools/steps that i may take in order to work towards having Master's collar around my neck once again? Are there things that Master can do to aid this process? i'm going through a most difficult time with this emotionally, physically and most of all spiritually. Thank you Sir for your kind attention in reading and answering this. i have read some of your work and have great respect for your views. Be well, adele

Answer
Good morning, adele...

First, I'm really sorry for the stress and difficulties that you're going through.  No fun at all and I get it.

I'm glad that you've read some of my works, it will make this easier.

If you don't have the last two, I'd recommend them at this stage.  The first, "Master/slave Relations: Communications 401 -- the advanced course" should be a huge help when speaking with your Master and in working through the tough discussions.  The next book, "Master/slave Relations: Solutions 402 -- Living in Harmony" is specifically about your situation; the relationship is in trouble and you want to throw the kitchen sink at solving the issues.  In that book, there are sections to work through as a couple that concern checking that you both have a common understanding of your core values, needs, and wants.

Concerning your specific question about ways of earning back your collar...

First, it's really up to him to decide what that means.  If this were my own situation, I'd be most concerned about exactly the issues YOU seem to be addressing...  getting your life in order and working on focus and intent. I'd also develop some more protocols that would formalize our time together a bit more so that we could be more "in the moment" when together.

If he's going the BDSM route, then that's more like "earning your leathers" in the Leather community.  Again, he would have to work out what that would look like.  Could be community service, doing a particularly good job at certain things, and so forth.

I'm happy to continue this with you if I've not covered what you need; just send a follow-on question.  If you're on Fetlife, you may want to link to me; I'm Dr_Bob.

Best wishes in Leather; I hope that you are able to work through this with your Master.  Relationships are hard even when simply vanilla; ours are much more complex.


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You are very welcome.  I surely wish you the best; know that I'm here for other questions, should they arise.

Bob