Expert: Oscar G. - 7/25/2010

Question
My Boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now. We met on a type of personal site under the pretense of a sub looking for a Dom. The first portion of our relationship was long distance, but we've been living together for about 6 months now.

I can tell that he loves me very much, he is incredibly sweet and loving. We don't really argue or fight and aside from this problem I would say we have a near perfect relationship. However this is a very big issue for me and I want to do what I can to resolve it.

When we first got together our sexual and D/s chemistry was stellar. We seemed to both be what the other had been looking for, him in search of a submissive but still somewhat aggressive partner and me looking for someone who could tame a feisty sub. We engaged in all sorts of different D/s activities - daily email/phone assignments, vocal sexual play, mutual masturbation with control/release etc. It was the best D/s relationship I had been in and was seriously considering moving into a 24/7 agreement with him.

About 6 months ago when he made the move here, things suddenly changed. He became very timid around me, which I understood to be part nervousness since we were just getting together in person and also part respect as he wanted to get to know me better before becoming physical. I expected that would wear off over time, which it did, but things are still incredibly awkward and unsatisfying in the bedroom for us.

I am a very insatiable girl with a very high sex drive. I am now legally separated, but I was previously in a sexless marriage, so I'm feeling a bit sexually starved on top of my already insatiable nature. I am incredibly attracted to my boyfriend and could happily be intimate with him 4 times a week if not more. I just look at him and am filled with want, lust and desire for him. At this point I'd settle and be content with once a week, but he just doesn't seem interested.

The problems first started when he moved here, we just could never seem to get on the same page when it came to the bedroom. As I mentioned previously at first he wanted to take it slow, but I felt that since we were already intimate it didn't matter. Once we communicated that seemed to solve that problem, but then other things started to go awry. I was always the one who had to initiate sexual activity, he never would. One day I was in the mood and we started to mess around but he lost his erection. He had a lot going on with relocating so I told him not to worry about it, that he was just distracted, but he took it very hard emotionally. It started to become a reoccurring problem for us and he became even less interested in sex.

I took this very hard because after him not seeming interested in sex with me in the beginning and then not wanting to have sex because he couldn't stay aroused, I felt like I wasn't what he wanted aesthetically and he wasn't turned on by me. I actually cried once during sex because of the overwhelming feeling of disappointment that he wasn't interested in me. We talked about it and things seemed to get better, at least with maintaining his erection, but things are still awkward and unsatisfying.

We have very vanilla sex on the rare occasion that we do. Even though he's the Dominant party, I'm always the one having to take control and initiate. I can play switch if need to, so I don't mind taking control sometimes, I kinda like it - but I ALWAYS have to take control. I say the things that he used to like me to say before, but he doesn't return the sentiment or react in the way he used to. The only D/s element is that I'm on the bottom, and sometimes he'll get slightly forceful when he wants something and I know it, but tease him and won't do it for him - but really that's all.

I don't understand this at all. He was the perfect Dom for me and I thought I made the perfect pet for him. I loved submitting to him and pleasing him, but now no matter how hard I try I'm just not doing my job. Constantly trying to initiate sex and being turned down has made me feel so hurt and rejected that I have given up trying anymore to spare myself the bad feelings, but now its been 2 weeks since we've had sex.

I miss being intimate with him and despite me no longer trying to start him up I still sometimes hint that I want to be with him, yet it results in nothing. I've tried doing other things to get his mind back on sex, walking around naked to maybe make him interested... staying completed clothed for long amounts of time to maybe make him want to see me naked... he's a breast man so I've put on my best push up bra's and worn low cut shirts all day to show them off to him and make him want me when we're alone... I've gone to bed in the most uncomfortable but very appealing nighties... I've tried arousing him in his sleep - None of it seems to work.

We've talked about it and all he says is that he feels insecure about engaging in sex because he's afraid of losing his erection and feeling bad about it. He claims that it broke something in him when that happened and even though it normally isn't an issue it still bothers him. I've explained to him that it hurts me because I feel like he's not interested and he offers no excuse or explanation. He says that he will try to work on it but he doesn't.

I thought that once he felt more comfortable around me maybe he would ease back into the Dominant role, but as I've said its been 6 months of living together and nothing has changed. Even though I would miss it greatly, I could probably be ok living without the D/s aspect of our relationship - but we're not having sex at all. I also feel like if we could just get to a point where we were having sex regularly, maybe that would open up the doors to get us back to that D/s part.

How can I help my incredible boyfriend get over his insecurities? How can I peak interest in that underlying Dom in him to make him want to make me submit to him again?

-Signed-
Abandoned pet

Answer
Hi Brandy:

The situation is very emotional and different from what it was before you started this relationship, so it is new and confusing. Yet it seems you are trying to communicate and make the overtures. You have tried to talk to him, but his insecurity/shyness/stress has not helped to reach a positive conclusion.
So I only have 2 options, one is make all possible preparations for an evening of sex and or D/S by choosing a day that you know would be stress free and relaxing for him, but you would ready in the bedroom, ready dressed the way he likes. And perhaps self tied (safely) and gagged, as invitation to be taken by him. Or a similar scenario that appeals to him (and you as well) and makes him act upon it, and forces him to act and you being passive or helpless to him, regardless of his funk.

If that does not work, then you have some serious professional counseling to pursue. Couple counseling or sex therapy could be explored. If he is really concerned, he will try it along with you and really try to find a solution. Otherwise there may be a deeper problem that would need to be discussed and perhaps mediated if it comes to that with a psychologist counselor or equivalent couple expert. You are trying hard and you are exhausting options, but you have to pursue them all and get to the rot of the problem and deal with it. Either you will fix it along with him, or it is something you cannot change and will have to make a compromise or choice.

I wish you the best in your quest and that you find the answer you need.
Be well, be safe and take care.
Oscar G.