Expert: Robert Rubel - 7/21/2010

Question
I am a hetero female and I  have sub fantasies and I don't really know if my desires are real  (I say sub because I think it is more than top-bottom).  It scares me to enter that world, because there are times when I think I'm fine and I can live without it, but then the desire returns as strongly as ever.  In some ways, I think I have always been fascinated by aspects of submission, but on the surface, I'm a very strong, independent person, and I don't consider myself someone who enjoys "pleasing".

I've had two relationships where we very lightly experimented with aspects of D/S where I was the S, although I'm not really sure either of us understood it in those terms.  I found myself frustrated because they were not very dominant to begin with and I also found myself wanting to go further, although being afraid to say it.  I never really viewed it from a BDSM perspective until I accidentally came across a website when trying to search for something else with those same letters, and since then, it's fueled my desires.

From anyone else's perspective, I would be considered completely vanilla and it's really hard for me to admit these desires, even to myself, let alone to join a group or go to a meeting.  But the feelings are becoming overwhelming.  I am both afraid of enjoying it to the point that I couldn't go back but also that I could just as easily walk away from it.  

I feel like I make bad relationship choices because I so desperately want someone to take the dominant position and I feel I am being fair to no one and I don't really know how to proceed.  I don't really want to "play" because I doubt I could ever allow myself to submit to someone outside of a relationship and truly feel good about myself after.  

Am I crazy for having these feelings?  I'm at the point in my life where I want to find my life partner, get married and have a family, and I can't reconcile these thoughts that I have. If I enter the lifestyle, will I wind up losing myself?  If I don't, will my desires ever go away?

Answer
C,

Well written, thanks.  

Our world, and I will say -- it's a very complete subculture -- is filled with people just like you.  They have known for years, often since age five or six, that they seemed to be drawn down a different path.  Eventually, most find their way to the right door and walk through.  In honesty, though, most never return to the World of Vanillas.  I'm one of those; so is my slave.  I walked through that door when I was 56.  It was the most amazing experience of my life.  I walked into a public play party where there were spankings, floggings, and whippings going on all over the place; I walked into my home.  The feeling of relaxation was immediate.  These are my people.  This is a common tale; you'll hear this over and over.

On the positive side, though, you'll find a partner who can fulfill both your past (Vanilla) needs and your future kink needs.  The people that I meet at weekend conferences all over the country are almost universally interesting and bright.  It's not a bad pool to swim in.

So, are you crazy to have these feelings? Nope.  

Some books for you: "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns" or "When Someone You Love is Kinky"

And join a local club.

And -- critical point for you -- there is no clear-cut line where a person is dominant in some aspects of their lives yet is submissive in others.  I own a slave.  But, I'm also Owned.  My Owner gave me my slave.  See; lots of room for creative relationships.  The three of us have been together for nearly eight years.  Very stable.

No, your desires will never go away.  You were born with them.

Bob