Expert: Robert Rubel - 7/29/2010

Question
I've known for quite a while now that I have submissive tendencies, but my current boyfriend has a dominating, intensely masculine sort of personality which has really brought out my submissiveness. I'm looking for mostly D/s in the bedroom, and we've experimented with some light play (ex. he calls me pet and I call him master, he will deny me and make me beg), but he's expressed doubts about anything more serious. He's worried that he might get too caught up and step over boundaries/hurt me if we did more, such as with bondage or letting me give up control completely. I'm not sure what to do, but I keep catching myself pushing him when we're playing to just take what he wants from me, and I'm worried that he'll become angry with me and all I want to do is please him and have him take care of me. Please help. Thank you.

Answer
Hi, Rei, thanks for writing...

I'd HIGHLY suggest that you join your local kink club.  Google "BDSM" and the name of your city.  Training = good.  Also, there are weekend conferences all over the US that offer intensive training in a wide, wide range of kinks.  Go to: http://www.thebdsmeventspage.com/index.html

To put "our words" to what he's saying...  He's afraid to "play with his beast".  Advanced BDSM players learn how to control their beast and not really, really hurt the other person.  There is a fine edge to this.  In fact, it's the ultimate of what's called "edge play".  You both need to spend a couple of years learning skills to build up to this.

Books if You’re Just Starting Out in BDSM
•   Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by
       Philip Miller
•   SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman
•   Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame
•   Sensuous Magic 2 Ed: A Guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples by Patrick Califia

As I don't know either of you, it's hard for me to comment on what pushing him would do to your relationship.  Speaking honestly about your wants and his concerns is a good starting point.

I present at the larger BDSM/Leather events about once every 3-4 weeks.  Hope to see you at one, sometime.

If you are interested in "our" social networking site, go to www.Fetlife.com  It's free.  I'm Dr_Bob
(not the one in Australia).  Feel free to "friend" me.

Bob