Expert: ziggy ziegler - 8/15/2010

Question
I am dominate in my household. I choose what we do, when we do it. But the lifestyle of a submissive seems so attractive to me. This is a problem because in my husband and I's relationship I am the dominate factor of everything. My personality is one of the dominate type. But I would love to learn how to serve him in a number of ways.I am not good with pain, but I understand that doesn't have to be a factor of a Master/Sub relationship.  So how can I bring myself to become a submissive and be able to serve him?
My husband is of the meek sort. He does not like confrontation, and really just tries to let me control everything. We talked about how I would like to be the submissive in and outside of the bedroom and he said he would be interested in learning the lifestyle of BDSM. He said he would look into it. So we found this and he wants to know how does he break my tough girl mentality down and demand the respect from me? How does make me submit to him freely and make it a part of our everyday lifestyle? We really need help with this. We have looked everywhere. Online in books and just about everywhere we can think of. If you could help we would appreciate it.
Thank you.

Answer
Dear KD

Thank you for your question.

Your question is one that has sparked a great deal of conversation with regards to the dominant and submissive relationships.

Okay, let me see if i can answer your question without confusing the topic.

When I first became interested in D/s type relationships. I would look around at other slaves and submissives and think wowow i am not sure i could be like that. They looked so perfectly submissive with their "yes Sirs and yes Ma'ams." Kneeling at the feet of their owners with there hands behind their backs. Although it was all very titillating and sexy i put the possibility out of my mind. Why? Because, i would not consider myself to have a submissive personality. As and ex Marine Drill Instructor. If something needs getting done i am the person you call. I own a business and am responsible for thousands of dollars in production, personnel and materials. At home i am in charge of maintaining the household. We dont have children so i can not add that part. Not to be boasting about my level of responsibilities but i wanted to illustrate that i to have a strong personality and i very much like to get things done. Leadership is a skill i have as is management and what is referred to as personal service. For all of my get it done approach to things. There is a part of me that loves the place i have in the master slave dynamic. As a slave i see all of those things that i can do as attributes and skills that are useful in my service to my owner.

Being a slave for me is less about being submissive and more about who i put first. If someone is able to use their skills for the benefit of my owner that is much different than doing things strictly for my own pleasure. I think that is the struggle for new folks and was my struggle in the beginning. Doing things for your husband in small ways and then increasing the about of things you do for him is all a process of learning and growing into your role as a sub/slave. This also give time for your husband to get used to the idea of you deferring to him and what he wants.

For me surrender is about the relationship developed between the master and the slave and is based on trust. It is also  based on a very personal agreement between one who is master and one who is slave. It has become apparent to me over the years that surrender...submission has little to do with personality and more to do with my willingness to surrender to a trusted and compatible person/master.

Having said that, my owner is not the chest beating, over bearing Dominant type. She doesn't forces me. I blew my knee out some years ago so kneeling is only for short periods of time. I have thoughts and ideas, and other skills that i can bring to the relationship.My owner does not change the core of who i am. To do so would set us both up to fail. I might wish sometimes to be rained in a little bit more, but then i realize that would be asking her to be different as well. My point is that if you are a strong individual with a "get it done" approach to be different might not work. This does not mean that you can not surrender to your husband but its does mean that your success in M/s or D/s depends on you both being who you are naturally. I also have learning that those of us with a strong sense of self can in fact surrender to the will of a trusted and compatible partner.

I am not saying that it will be free of struggle, it means that you both must make the conscious choice to be in your perspective roles while at the same time not compromising who you naturally are.I would recommend finding others in your area that are on a similar path. Google BDSM and your area.... for example 'BDSM Atlanta GA' Or BDSM Buffalo NY. You will then get a list of groups in your area make contact with the group leaders and when you are ready to, attend some of their functions. I think you will find that most submissives are not cowering individuals but rather strong, insightful, capable individuals such as yourself.

I am happy for you both. Some things i try to remember. One, this is a journey we are bother on. Two, neither of us are perfect and we will make mistakes. Three, never forget that who you are naturally is of far greater value to your partner then something made up. Four,dont forget to have fun. One can not be so serious, if this is to be the dynamics you both desire long term take it slow and add new things as they fit. Five, dont worry about how others are. This is your relationship and it is unique to who you both are.


There is so much more but i dont wish to over whelm you. If you have further questions please feel free to contact for follow up questions.

In the mean time i wish you the best of luck...
warmest regards
slave ziggy