Expert: Robert Rubel - 10/5/2010

Question
QUESTION: Hello Robert,

I am a submissive female under consideration of a dom I met in August. We
met on Collarme and he emphasized that he very rarely makes contact with
anyone. After a few short weeks of IM, email and one phone call, he asked if I
was ready to be put under consideration. Being that I've been looking for
someone like him (he has many attractive qualities, or seems to) I said yes.

Now I am under consideration, not allowed to talk to other men unless he
gives permission, etc. However, he works most days as a private investigator
and security details person. This takes him all over the place, and he said that
is why he is still single (the wacky schedule). I sincerely believe he is single,
however, I've been asking for a first meet the last three weeks and he doesn't
seem able to even give me an answer on that.

I am concerned that I am missing other opportunities by waiting for someone
who is gone for days at a time, has limited time to chat even once a week, or
even the time to meet me in person once. Isn't consideration something for
me as well when choosing who I submit to? I really like him, but I don't know
how to approach him with my concerns that if he does not have time now,
how will he have time if he makes me his sub?

Thank you in advance for your time.

- JT

ANSWER: Hi, JT...

You've landed on one of my hot-buttons. I am VERY, VERY, VERY wary of a Dom who isolates (or tries to isolate) a potential partner -- or an established partner.

Your Dom/Master should be interested in you learning everything you can in order to explore your own world.  

The world of "Internet Doms" is filled with stories like this.  How can he possibly know you well enough to put a real Collar of Consideration on you?  He can't.  You'd have to spend time with him physically in order even to determine whether you really want to be considered!

You ARE missing opportunities.  Are you part of a local club?  If not, why not?  How about www.Fetlife.com -- it's free and you have tens of thousands of guys looking for subs/slaves that have rich and verifyable backgrounds.

Your conclusion is your answer: if he can't find time now, he can't in the future.

Oh, and you might ask him to tell you his five top BDSM books.  Chances are he hasn't ever read even one -- but I'm a cynic at age 65.

If you sign up on Fetlife, you're welcome to link to me:  I'm Dr_Bob (not the guy in Australia).  My full handle is Dr_Bob-Bob_Rubel

Thanks for writing and feel free to write a follow-on question.

Bob

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello Dr. Bob -

Thanks again for your guidance. I wanted to update you... I sent a note to this
dom that I wanted to take a step back and be friends, and he never replied.
Actions definitely speak louder than words in this case, and I am relieved!

I have since met a nice gentleman (albeit long distance) who takes the time to
contact me frequently, as well as guide me along the way. What a night and
day difference! Oh, and he's willing to actually fly here to meet me if it works
out. Now that's amazing!

Thanks again-

JT

Answer
I am soooo glad that you wrote and that I could help.  It certainly sounds as though you've found a good guy.

If you are intending to enter into a Master/slave dynamic, I'd suggest that you get one of my books:  Master/slave Relations: Handbook of theory and practice.  It has a section in there about what to look for in a Dom/Master and warning signs that there may be trouble ahead.

Best possible wishes,

Bob