Expert: Mistress Violette - 9/2/2010

Question
Dear Mistress Violette,

  I'm a bit conflicted while starting a new dom/sub relationship with my girlfriend. Our circumstances our a bit odd. We're both 18 and we live just far enough away from each other that we only really see each other once a week or so on dates, and most of the time we talk on email or the phone. She was diagnosed with severe depression a little bit after we got together earlier this year, and I love her to death and have no intentions of ever leaving her.

So, she told me she wanted to try to be submissive to me for a few days. I knew she was into BDSM stuff, and said I'd think about it. Later that night though she said she felt like she needed me to control her for awhile because everything felt out of control. Now this sent off alarms right away, because I knew this could get out of hand and she could become overly dependant on me, more than she already is, if we went down this road and I don't think that's healthy. After expressing my concerns to her though she promised that wouldn't happen, and I gave in a said I'd try it today with her.

For the most part it went pretty well, with various things being tried out, both everyday and sexual, interesting and scary, under my command. She was disobeying me very often though, in order to get punished, and I just thought it was because she was horny. Later though, after going through all ten levels of punishments I have set up in a time span of about two hours, I said enough for now. That's when she said she felt like she deserved to be punished more, calling herself a bad girl. I tried to convince her she was a good girl, but we argued and in the end, to put it off until later, I just played the, "I'm the dom, you do and think what I say when I say it," card, and we were able to move on.

I am not sure if I should continue this type of thing though. I love her to death and I want to make her happy, but considering our relatively young ages and her depression, I'm not sure it's healthy. I'm asking what you think about this and not a psychologist, first because it's way easier to ask you than schedule an appointment with one, and second because I figure you probably know a lot about subs and their personalities, and whether or not this is common place.

That being said, this dom/sub relationship is never going to be full time thing. I just can't do that. It would just be maybe a few days every other month. I know some people live and breathe BDSM, and for those people maybe something like this might not be that bad, but I want it strictly casual.

Sincerely, Steve

Answer
Hello, Steve,

Even though you're only 18, you're wise. You're aware of your needs when it comes to BDSM, you're seeing some pitfalls in the type of relationship your girlfriend wants, and you're aware of the importance of safety. Your grasp of the situation is impressive.

I wouldn't say what you've described is commonplace, but it's not unheard of, either. There are two schools of thought, with some saying BDSM can be therapy and others saying it should never be used that way. To me, if there is a healthy BDSM relationship already established, and once in a while a submissive needs control related to emotional issues, it can probably be done safely. For instance, I know a submissive who needed control, rather than comfort and support, when going through a temporary difficult time in her life. She needed the stability of not having her BDSM relationship change along with her other situation. That's different than what your girlfriend is asking and I think you're wise to think twice. I also think you're wise to be wary of doing BDSM in a situation where you're not comfortable with the possible emotional outcome for your submissive.

Another thing to consider is geography. Sometimes a submissive has unexpected emotional problems hours or days after a session. This can be hard for a dominant to handle from a distance.

You said your girlfriend was diagnosed with major depression. There are a couple of things to consider with this. With some forms of depression, risk taking is a feature of the condition. In other words, some people are interested in BDSM  because of their condition, rather than because of their nature. The other concern is that she wanted you to take control because she was feeling out of control. Getting a handle on her sense of control is probably better handled with therapy than with BDSM. BDSM is something people do for fun, to fulfill a desire. If you're getting a sense that it's otherwise for her, listen to your instincts.

There's a lot for you to consider, Steve, and I wish you the best with this decision.

Regards,

Mistress Violette