Expert: Robert Rubel - 1/1/2011

Question
I am a slave who badly needs advice.

Compulsory answers first:
In M/s relationship (I think).
Not leather.
Not in public scene at all, in relationship three years.

Three years ago I started a relationship with a man. It didn't start out as D/s; my husband is a drug addict and rarely wants sex, and I was climbing out of my skin. After years of deprivation, I went on Craigslist and the man who was to become my Master was on there, looking for something ongoing. Many things about his ad appealed to me, so I e-mailed him. We talked a fair amount online before we met for the first time, about what we both wanted. I told him I had always wanted to try being dominated. So we explored that a bit the first time we got together. Within about six months it had evolved into a D/s relationship. We only got to see each other about once a week, because I was married and he had a hectic work schedule. But when we did get together, wow, the sex was incredible and we developed what I thought was a pretty close friendship too. I even became pregnant with his baby at one point (unplanned) but miscarried. Somewhere along the way I had fallen in love with my Master and grieving for the child only intensified my feelings for him. Even when we couldn't see each other, we texted and e-mailed pretty well every day.

Fast forward two years. My husband finally was suspicious enough that I had to admit I'd been seeing another man. After that I had to be much more cautious but we still managed to see each other now and again. Then a year ago my Master got laid off his job; after several months of unemployment he had to take a job working in remote work camps up north (we live in Canada).

This was in April. Since then I have only seen him once. Where he works is so remote that his cell phone doesn't have a signal, and he often doesn't have internet access so there is little communication with him. He gets days off here and there and comes back to our city, but he has four children from two different previous relationships, so of course they come first. On several occasions on his days off he's said he would meet me at a certain time but something always comes up at the last minute. In the summer I finally blew up at him. He had a whole week off. He spent a couple of days with his kids, and then the whole rest of the time with some friends of his, including going to another city with them for the weekend, and no time at all with me, although there were several "maybes" that didn't pan out. I e-mailed him and told him that I couldn't tell him how to live his life or how to spend his time, but I could choose to not continue to make sacrifices and keep myself constantly available to someone who clearly put me at the bottom of his priorities. I know he read the e-mail but didn't reply.

I should point out that my Master is quite emotionally distant, probably the result of a rough divorce a few years ago. When he's having problems he withdraws into himself. A few weeks later, I'd cooled down and offered an olive branch. Again I know he read the e-mail but didn't reply. Finally I told him that if the silence continued, I'd have no choice but to conclude that he no longer wanted us to be part of each other's lives, but after three years and some of the things we'd shared together I thought he would have the balls/decency to tell me to my face rather than freeze me out with silence.

So after two months of silence he finally e-mailed me to say he was sorry, but he was having a hard time due to deaths in his family and other things that were happening in his personal life, and wasn't talking to anyone more than necessary. Since then, about two months ago, he answers some of my e-mails but the moods are quite varied. Sometimes he'll say sexual things to me, and act like he wants to see me again, other times it's like he's talking to his bank manager. I know he's been in town at least once and not even told me - I've found out through Facebook creeping - but that could be because I told him it's not fair to me to say he's coming into town and keeping me "on hold" and then not seeing me.

All I want to know is where we stand... I keep reading that Masters have responsibilities to their slaves, and I know he definitely considered us to be in a Master/slave relationship before all this happened. He has never specifically said he wants us to finish, and I'm scared to ask him exactly where we stand in case it drives him further into his shell.

I love him, and he knows this; he has told me he doesn't feel the same way although he does care for me. As recently as a few months ago I saw a place online where he said he intended to be in a relationship with me for "many more years" and referred to me as his girlfriend (he doesn't know I saw this). I'm quite sure he's not in any other relationship. There is a woman who he's good friends with since high school, and he stays at her place when he's in town (he gave up his apartment because he's gone so much) but I'm pretty sure they are only friends because her Facebook still says she's single.

I am 47 years old, and he is 40. I have never been in a relationship like this before; he has but I don't know how extreme they were and I'm pretty sure none lasted as long as this has.

If anyone is still reading this, I guess my question is what should I do? I feel rather ridiculous hanging onto something with a man I've only seen once this year, and who I barely talk to. But I do care for him. I can't leave my husband yet due to financial reasons, but I plan to one day when I am able. And then even if I can't have a relationship with my Master at least it will be a lot easier to see him. I know he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about him, but he set himself up as my Master and me as his slave and now, with so little contact, it's like there's no guidance and I'm in limbo.

Answer
Hi, Catriona...  Sorry that you're having these issues come up in your life.

Yes, I was still reading your letter.

First, there is a VAST difference between Master/slave relationships as practiced by the Leather community and by the not-Leather (BDSM) community.  In a Leather setting, you'd have a contract, at least.  Yes, in the Leather world, in exchange for surrendering authority over yourself to your Master, he specifically takes on the responsibility for your emotional, physical, medical, financial, social, educational (etc) well-being.  

However, you guys are in an M/s structure that apparently didn't have such a clear delineation.  

As a 66-year-old man who follows Leather M/s traditions, he has abandoned you.  

I recognize that you still have feelings for him.  In our world, though, Master's feelings of love for the slave are likely to be very different from the slave's feelings of love for Master.  There are a couple of reasons for this.

First, the incredible bonding experience that a person has upon entering the world of BDSM from the Vanilla world often produces an extremely strong "love" response in the woman (or male submissive/slave).  Here is this masterful man who seems to be able to give you experiences and feelings that you've never had before.  Clearly, he's so plugged into you that he can read your every move and build it higher.  In my experience, women who go from Vanilla to BDSM go through a one-way door.  They become less and less interested in vanilla sex.  Also, the choice to embrace BDSM is like stepping off a cliff.  You can't go back.

Second, while Master/Dom will no doubt love his slave/submissive the slave/submissive is VERY likely to fall IN love with Master/Dom.  The difference in the two kinds of love may not be evident for a long time; possibly years.  This is, in fact, what you've explained in your last paragraph.  There is LOTS of controversy about the role of LOVE in an M/s relationship and there is a substantial camp (that I belong to) that says that the minute Master falls in love with slave, it's permanently compromised the M/s structure.  He's no longer able to make certain kinds of demands on the slave and he can not trust that the in-love slave is acting out of obedience or out of love.

Down to "What should I do?"

Nobody can REALLY comment on another person's relationship.  The magical moments may outweigh all the other annoyances and heartache.  You're the only one who can make the final decision.

The "traditional" answer is: Sever ties with your Master.  If you want to be formal about it, tell him that you have released yourself from the relationship for abandonment and failure to fulfill his roles as Master.  Next, if your husband is still a drug addict, divorce him so you can start your life seeking your own goals and your own pleasures.

Easy to say all this; much harder for you to do it.  I understand that.

Best possible wishes for you...

I'm here if you have any other questions.

Bob