Expert: Robert Rubel - 1/17/2011

Question
Good day, Robert Rubel
I was hoping you'd be kind enough to give me some advice. I have been involved in an online relationship for a couple of months...it's complicated and things have progressed further and faster than my usual logical self would typically allow but it's possibly because we've been friends for years and just recently discovered our common interest in BDSM but we do live in different towns. BDSM for us is solely sexual. We've both fantasized for years but neither of us has acted it out. I think that's all the background information. The issue I'm having is I know I am definitely a sub, he on the other hand likes to switch...which I don't have a problem with, it's just I haven't got the foggiest idea on how to dominate him; although I'm not a push over I definitely haven't got a dominant personality (I tried being dominant online but straight away he started being difficult and I had no idea how to get him in line, it was humiliating). Because being dominated is a concept that appeals to me I know what I'd like him to do to me and he's told me fantasies he wants to play out where he's dominating but when he asks me to be dominant I don't know what to say or do and I get nervous. I've asked him what he would want me to do but he always fobs it off like I'm the one who is supposed to be in control and I should decide what is going to take place...I think it's because he isn't experienced and maybe doesn't know exactly what he wants. The problem with that is I don't know his limits. We plan on meeting up next month and although I know what to expect when he's dominating...I don't know what to do to him when he wants to switch. I don't have anything against switching, in my mind he'd still be the dominant one as I'd only be doing it to please him, not because I have any specific interest in it. I was wondering if you could give me any links or anything I could read that might enlighten me a bit on how to dominate (although I'm assuming it's more of a mindset than anything) or any resources that include things that I could do with him when I'm in the dominant role.
Thank you so much, just your taking the time to read this is hugely appreciated.

Answer
Alexis,

I probably am the right person to contact.  To a large extent, I'm in your situation.  I'm a switch, sort-of.  I'm really a submissive man with good social covering skills.

You can't make me into a Dom anymore than you will be able to make yourself into a Dom.  Can't be done, in my view, and I've been working at it purposefully for seven years.

You might consider bringing in a third who would be his Domme.  I've done that.  I have an Owner who gave me a sex slave about 18 months into our relationship.  Has worked since 2002.

He wants you to do to him what pleases you to do with him.  He can't have an answer, as he doesn't kno what pleases you.  You could throw a bucket of cold water on this by telling him it pleases you that he vacuum the house, mop the kitchen floor, do the shopping, and cook dinner.  Any failure on his part earns him a punishment paddling.  This fetish is called "Domestic Discipline" and you can find a lot of material about it.

If you want to do some readings on how to become more dominant, try Amazon for "Alpha male".  Lots of books.  They'll tell you how to stand and walk, etc.  You might try putting on mens clothing for this (Goodwill).  Long-sleeved white shirt and tie where you leave the knot about four inches below your neck (top two shirt buttons are open) and give that a try.

Write back with further questions.

Bob


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Thank you very much for your rating.  I appreciate it.

Seriously, my Owner is Karen Martin. She's the author of: "How to Capture a Mistress."  If your guy is seriously interested in finding a Femme Domme, he should start there.  Next, there is an organization called "Club Femme."  It has chapters in most cities.  

Now, I'm mentioning this on the off chance that you, yourself, may want to play some scenes with him as his Mistress.  If this idea appeals, then do an Amazon search for: "The Mistress Manual" and then start looking at the books that others bought on this topic.  (In case you don't know it, on every Amazon page there is a banner across it with the books that are closely related.)  

If that path does NOT appeal to you, then you might try "vamp."  I sometimes have my slave do that and also "Bimbo."  Yes, there is a small but  active BDSM segment that does "Bimbo."

Oh, by the way, I have no earthly idea how to be dominant to an alpha male.  I've always avoided what I call "high-testosterone" men.

Also -- if you're not yet on www.Fetlife.com, I recommend it to you.  You'll find "groups" there that could answer any question at all.  There must be five different flavors of "submissives" groups.  If you do sign up, you're welcome to "friend" me.  I'm Dr_Bob

Nite, nite.