Expert: Robert Rubel - 10/6/2011

Question
I am a male in a strong relationship with a female.  We are monogamous as far as a sexual relationship goes.  Neither of us desire to have sexual intercourse with anyone else.  We also strongly incorporate BDSM in our sex, in which I am the Dom and she is the sub.  

I would, however, like to practice BDSM in which sexual contact is not incorporated with other women who are willing to be tied up, teased, tormented, forced to orgasm with sex toys, etc.  My woman doesn’t mind, and would possibly like to participate in playing with my “slaves” as well.

The problem is I cannot seem to find anyone open-minded enough to handle something of this nature.  The few people I find who would be potentially interested either end up wanting the relationship to become more than just a master/slave relationship, want to have sexual contact, or are scared away by the fact that I am in a primary relationship.  I know my desires are specific, but there has to be some sort of organization with people that have or wish to have similar lifestyles.  Can you help me out.  Don't hesitate to say that I am going for something unrealistic (or that I am despicable) and that I should stop looking.

Answer
Hi, Dave...

An initial comment as I was reading your note is that there is a massive difference between wishing to find a submissive who will let you practice BDSM with her without intercourse and wishing to find a slave.  A Master/slave relationship is as strong or stronger than a marriage.  The slave has transferred total authority over itself to Master and Master has taken on 100% responsibility -- financial, emotional, physical, etc -- over the slave.

So let's start out by assuming that is NOT what you're seeking and what you want is a BDSM play partner with whom you do not have sex.  

I suspect that if you phrased it that way and posted in Fetlife (www.fetlife.com -- free) in their "Personals" group, you might get some replies.  Or join your local BDSM club and ask around, or post to your local group.  If you don't know how to connect with your local group, write to me again.

Oh --

What you're looking for is actually fairly easy to find in a large city and a normal kind of search in my/our world.  Not at all unusual.  Actually, that fact that you do NOT want sex with her makes it a little unusual, but not that you are in a primary relationship.  Personally, my partner and I are looking for a service submissive right now, too.

Hope this helps,

Bob