Expert: awhitecloud - 11/1/2011

Question
I am a new Dom trying to establish a relationship with an experienced sub. I should mention that we are not in the same household, have not met in person yet, and both have full time jobs with the added dynamic of being single parents. Although he says that he is committed to this type of relationship he seems to be all talk. He never quite does what I ask of him. For instance, I've told him that I want text message checkins throughout the day. He is very sporadic in doing this, sometimes only checking in once or twice a day then nothing. Often offering excuses as to why it wasn't done usually using his child as an excuse. He was given the task of acquiring my first Dom outfit. I gave him specifics on how to do it and he eventually acquired it but only by doing it the way he wanted to doing it. I gave him a writing task about a week ago and he hasn't mentioned it since then nor has he completed it. I'm beginning to think that my sub is all talk or possibly craving punishment of some sort. Am I too soft as a Dom? I would like to met in person but with things going the way they are I'm not sure if that will help or hurt the matter. I'm not sure what to do at this point. It has been a month, I'm ready to throw in the towel. I feel like my sub is training me. Any suggestions? Sorry for writing so much.

Answer
If he is your sub should he not be trying hard to meet your expectations? To make and keep you happy?   If he is not doing so well them, maybe your allowing him to much freedom?  Maybe you need to be more demanding as well start raising the bar.  

Maybe he just does not take the whole role as a sub in the light it should be in. Maybe you need to talk with him about it and see what he has to say, then make sure what your expectations are and set up some clear rules.

I know when I was a sub I was not allowed to make excesses, being a single parent of two or not.  I was expected to push harder to meet the needs of my Dom. He never played the card that it was okay to not get done anything he had ask of me to do.

Maybe you need to define things clearer with him, and then go forward from there.

I hope I have helped you some, even in a small way.

Thank you for the question. you might find www.fetlife.com some place to head over to and join some groups and well they might be more helpful to you.

awhitecloud