Expert: Robert Rubel - 11/9/2011

Question
Sir,

I am a submissive. I have been with my dominant for almost a year now. I have never been in a BDSM relationship before this. my dominant has had several subs before me.
I am not what most people would consider a typical submissive. I have always been a tomboy and am a martial artist. However, it is truly my base nature to submit. I feel that the independence I exhibit in my life is a direct result of subconsciously attempting to repress my submission.
I am having trouble with my rebellious streak right now. My dominant tends to let a lot of my disrespect/rebellion slide, even when he does try and punish me for it he tends to be pretty lenient.
I have a very high pain tolerance, and I am used to being resilient in my dealing with pain. When he punishes me verbally/mentally it seems to just roll off my back, but the physical pain never lasts long enough to make a true impression on my behavior.
He gets frustrated with my response (or lack thereof) and tends to just ignore me or say something to the tune of "Do whatever you want. I don't care."
I really want to be good, and most of the time he says I am a very good submissive. I do everything I can to please him. Its only when that little bit of rebellion starts that I truly misbehave. When he chooses to ignore it, it seems to amplify.
I have tried talking to him about but he is not open to discussion about it. I am going crazy inside.
I'm slightly masochistic and recently I have been agreeing to fights with vastly more skilled, or bigger martial arts opponents in order to feel some kind of lasting pain, and the slight submissive feeling that accompanies losing a fight. I've been injured twice doing this and I am worried that this is dangerous behavior. He used to handle my masochism in a safe environment, but I feel that because of my rebellion he doesn't feel like doing that anymore.
Any help you can give me would be much appreciated. I want to make him happy, and I really do try my best. The only thing I have found to help my rebellion so far are these dangerous fights, and I'm scared I am going to get really hurt. Is there any other way I can handle it myself. I don't think he wants to deal with it.

Answer
Hi, Kira - thanks for writing...

Well, some people say that they are dominant but lack the leadership skills necessary to take control of another person.  It sounds as though that's your friend's situation.  I understand that because I'm much the same; if you don't want to obey me, there's not much that I'm interested in doing about it.

There is some chance that you are describing yourself as "bratty".  If so, you may also be a "spanko".  In my experience, spankos (those for whom spanking is erotic) tend to be bratty and act out in order to be spanked.  If so, you may wish to explore that lifestyle; you should be able to find spanking clubs/societies in most cities -- although they can be well hidden and hard to find.

On the other hand, acting-out behavior in a relationship is common when the submissive is not feeling loved or "attended to" in the way he/she wishes.  That's a communication challenge.  Now, you're back to relationship issues and related books/materials.

I agree with you that taking on opponents outside your martial arts rank can be dangerous -- probably not something that your sensai would want you doing.  It also probably violates some martial arts code -- but I don't know that; just guessing.

You can't grow your guy to be a dominant.  It sounds to me as though your an almost-great-fit but not quite good enough to give you the kind of experience(s) that you need.  And "need" is the important word.  You each may wish to sit down and honestly list your needs versus your wants and see how you fit.  If you NEED more physical response from him and he can't/won't offer that, that suggests that you may need to consider finding someone who can satisfy your need in that regard.

But relationships are impossible to comment on from the outside; people stay together for many reasons, most of which are unknowable to outsiders.

Best ever,

Bob