Expert: Robert Rubel - 12/14/2011

Question
I have always been interested in being dominated by men. It started out in High School when I dated a football player. He was very aggressive and very demanding of me. Our first date he kissed me and put his hand up my blouse. I let him do that but I stopped him when he tried to undo my pants. I so wanted him to not stop, to force me to have sex with him. I know that sounds sick, like I wanted to be raped but it was something I could not get out of my mind. I teased him on every date hoping he would not take no for an anwear but he alway did. I went home frustrated after every date. In college I met a guy that took me out and we got drunk. Before I knew it he was on top of me and I kept telling him no but he went ahead anyway. I acted like I was angry but in secret I loved it.
I met my husband and we married, I never told him about my secret desire to be forced to satisfy men. Now it occupies all of my sexual fantasies. I want him to take me when he wants even when I tell him no. I want him to make me do things, anything he wants. We have talked about swinging but I have told him no but I want him to set something up with another couple and dominate me in front of them. He has tied me up a couple of times and I told him I liked it but I want to have other people watch him dominate me, use me sexually and I want him to have sex with other women while I am tied up then have other men take turns on me. I have strayed during the marriage twice. When I was out of town on a business trip I met this guy who took me to his room and I admited to him my secret. He took me roughly and sodomized me, something my husband never has done because I told him I didn't want that but I do. How do I tell my husband what I truly want? I want him to own me, to tell me what to wear and what to do. I want him to just come home and throw me down and use me. I want others to know and see him do these things. I just don't know how to tell him and I feel like he will not respect or love me if I come out in the open and tell him all about it.

Answer
Wow!  You're an absolutely 1000% ideal candidate for the world I live in, the world of BDSM with its takedown and rape scenes set up so the woman doesn't know when it will happen -- complex events that take lots of planning.  I've heard of them where the woman is abducted while walking down a street.  The "rape team" (with husband out of view) set up a fake video event on a busy commercial street in a large city and when the lady was leaving work, the action looked as though she was part of the filming and the guys grabbed her, put a gag in her mouth and a blindfold over her eyes and threw her in a car.  Her husband was in the front seat, but disguised.

If you're in Phoenix, please write to me at PowerExchangeEditor@yahoo.com and I can put you in touch with a VERY senior BDSM player with whom you can work to set up scenes like this.  The particular person that I will refer you to is a good friend and would be a link into the Master/slave world in Arizona and elsewhere -- I'll get to M/s in a minute.

Ahem.  Back to your questions.

First, you really have to sit down and have a straight-out talk with your husband.  Chances are that he has his own fantasies -- what he masturbates to -- that may be every bit consistent with your fantasies.  As intense as your desires are, I doubt that you want to keep this from him for the rest of your marriage.  There are books out there such as: When Someone you Love is Kinky that may help you have that discussion.

If you choose to open this door, the door into "pain is pleasure and "no" doesn't mean "no", "RED" means "no", then you need to start reading about our kinky world and get connected with a local BDSM group (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance/submission, sado-masochism).  Again, there is APEX in Phoenix (Arizona Power Exchange).

The description of how you want your marital dynamic to operate is VERY well established in this country.  It's called a Master/slave structure and I have a four-book set out about how to do this.  Again, write to me and I'll send you a resource list.  One of the MAJOR conferences for Master/slave lifestyle is held annually in Phoenix the third weekend in January.   http://www.southwestleather.org/  I probably know 40% of the presenters and attendees; I've gone to that event for many years and I'm a national presenter at similar events and the presenters tend to show up at these conferences many times a year.

Bottom line -- there is a HUGE subculture that feels exactly as you do and has learned how to be trained to do what you wish done to you SAFELY.  For example, last night I put on a free "webinar" (a live broadcast Internet event) teaching how to do rough sex). [If you want me to send you an email notice when I'm doing such presentations, just write to me and ask me to add you to my "notifications" list.

FYI: what you're describing is a "power exchange" relationship.

Feel free to write back with other questions.  

In Leather Heart and Soul (a typical way to close a letter from our Leather Master/slave subculture)

Bob

Oh -- and join www.FetLife.com  It's the kinky person's "Facebook".  If you join, I'm Dr_Bob and you can send me a friend request.  There are GROUPS on there that you can join and get answers to any questions you can possibly think up.